IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Schools should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Subjects such as music and sports are not useful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is often considered that education should just explain academic
subjects
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 important for their
future
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 jobs
and
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, and
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subjects
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 like
music
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 and
sports
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 shouldn't be
teaching
Wrong verb form
taught
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 in schools. I totally disagree with that statement,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 think
music
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 and
sports
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 are important for our lives. First of all,
sports
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 and
music
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 useful for our mental and physical health. In
school
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school,
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 we have to learn how to handle the
stress
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 and the problems.
Sports
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 and
music
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, especially
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sports
Punctuation problem
sports,
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 are really important for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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stress
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and
Check wording
management, and
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 being
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
 is bad for our health
, with
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. With these
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this
Linking Words
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subjects
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subjects,
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 we are learning to deal with the bad feelings that we feel in our daily life.
For
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example
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example,
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 my mother is a very stressful person
and
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, and
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 she learned to handle the
stress
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 with recpiring practises that she learned in her sport lesson
and
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, and
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 it helps her to deal with the
stress
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 in her job. That's why
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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subjects
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 are useful for
the
Correct article usage
a
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future
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 career. Second of all, the most substantial thing in
the
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apply
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life is being happy
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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subjects
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 make people happy. We should learn how to be happy in our existence
Punctuation problem
. This
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this
Linking Words
 isn't about only our
future
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 careers
, with
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. With
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music
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 and
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sports
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sports,
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 some people feel happiness
and
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, and
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 it is more prominent than
future
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 jobs. There are a lot of person who works with a very high salarie but in the end they are joyless.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 most of the singers work in other jobs in the beginning
but
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, but
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 after that they understood that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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true happiness is in
music
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 and they
tell
Verb problem
say
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 that they discovered
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
music
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with schools
Change preposition
in school
show examples
.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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music
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 and
sports
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 should be
teaching
Wrong verb form
taught
show examples
 in schools
for
Change preposition
to
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 explore the hidden talent of the students. In conclusion,
music
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 and
sports
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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also
Linking Words
 as serious as other academic
subjects
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Give a clearer answer all through the essay. You say you fully disagree, so each main part should link back to that view in a direct way.
task response
Explain your ideas more deeply. Some points are good, but they need more detail to show why music and sports help future work and life.
task response
Use examples that are more clear and more general. The example about your mother is useful, but it feels personal and not fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph easier to follow. Start with one main idea, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more careful way. Words like first, second, for example, and therefore are good, but some sentences still feel hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection. Some ideas are joined too fast, so the reader may lose the main point.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give your opinion from the start.
task response
You include two main reasons: health and happiness. This helps build your answer.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, body paragraphs, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like first of all, second of all, for example, and in conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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