IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think playing computer games is bad for children in every aspect. Others say playing computer games can have some positive effects on the way children develop. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

In the contemporary era, a vast majority of people
are contended
Wrong verb form
contend
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 that computer
games
Use synonyms
 may cause harmful effects on
children
Use synonyms
, others argue that
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
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 can provide
a
Correct article usage
apply
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favourable implications, and in
this
Linking Words
 essay i will
analyze
Change the spelling
analyse
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 both viewpoints. But from my perspective, certain
games
Use synonyms
 can cultivate communication skills and critical thinking among
children
Use synonyms
. First of all,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 long-lasting gaming sessions can worsen health and change an individual's character. There is no doubt that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 computer
games
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 may be a source of vision impairment and weight gain, especially among youngsters. The scientific evidence in 2011
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 proved that 60% of youth become sedentary before turning fifteen, and parents often report that their
children
Use synonyms
 are getting more nervous and furious towards everyone. To deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem, guardians should
alleviate
Verb problem
limit
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 the time that
child
Correct article usage
the child
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 spends with
games
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that have numerous violent actions or scenes.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, computer
games
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 provide a lot of data to gamers.
For example
Linking Words
, in political strategies, youngsters learn about other countries and may even know about their culture. These opportunities broaden the knowledge and give advantages in school. From my point of view, some products can have a beneficial impact on your child. Real good projects, with the elements of creativity and curiosity, increase the level of critical thinking in minors.
In addition
Linking Words
, they often can speak with other players in online
games
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gradually
Punctuation problem
, gradually
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 cultivating
the
Correct article usage
apply
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leadership, if a little gamer leads a bunch of people. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it is believed that
such
Linking Words
 things can be harmful for
children
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 health concerns and the level of anxiety,
games
Use synonyms
 can provide
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
access to more information and can provide an advantage among peers by filling your brain with data.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You did this, but each side needs one more clear idea.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from start to end. Your view is there, but it can be stronger.
task response
Use more direct examples. The 2011 study is good, but it needs clearer link to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, however, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow. Shorter sentences will make your meaning clearer.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You used examples to support your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Addiction
  • Academic performance
  • Social interactions
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Obesity
  • Desensitize
  • Cognitive development
  • Problem-solving
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Multiplayer games
  • Social interaction
  • Teamwork
  • Moderation
  • Proper guidance
  • Monitor
  • Time limits
  • Balanced approach
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