IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their appearance in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Maintaining a younger appearance is an increasing trend of modern world, with a large number of individuals spending thousands of dollars to have cosmetic
surgeries
Use synonyms
. The main triggering factor behind
this
Linking Words
 development is surely social
media
Use synonyms
 and its impact on people’s mental state, and I believe that it has more negative implications. As the number of social
media
Use synonyms
 users
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 bubbling, our tendency to compare different elements of our lives with others’ is increasing. People tend to assess the value of anything in life through comparing it on social
media
Use synonyms
 platforms
such
Linking Words
 as Instagram and TikTok, with sustaining a young look being a commonly compared standard of a perfect life. Since these platforms have built an image of
successful
Correct article usage
a successful
show examples
 person with never-aging face and slim
body
Use synonyms
, the public is in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pursuit of
following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 trend and allocating a considerable amount of money in
this
Linking Words
 way. On condition that people’s
body
Use synonyms
 weight increases or their faces start to show the signs of
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old age, modern society is used to killing their self-esteem with negative comments and unreliable suggestions to regain youthfulness. Among probable concerning effects, I emphasize health risks of
this
Linking Words
 marathon of having
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 face. Plastic
surgeries
Use synonyms
 often involve sending a high dose of
anesthesia
Change the spelling
anaesthesia
show examples
 to the patient’s
body
Use synonyms
, increasing the probability of certain organs losing their functions for a longer period or forever than expected, causing unplanned problems in other parts of
Use synonyms
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
 or even death during the procedure.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 hypothesis may not hold true for all
surgeries
Use synonyms
 around the world
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 there may be a bulk of successful cases, it cannot guarantee every patient’s safety, particularly in countries with underdeveloped medical systems,
people
Correct word choice
where people
show examples
 are at greater risk.
Moreover
Linking Words
, middle-aged patients and those aged over 50 account for a higher proportion of patients in the list of cosmetic
surgeries
Use synonyms
. These individuals have already suffered from various illnesses during their lives, and their
Use synonyms
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 may not endure medical procedures, decreasing the success rate of
surgeries
Use synonyms
 significantly. In conclusion, I hold the view that social
media
Use synonyms
 is the main leading cause of growing interest in saving a younger face, which may affect people’s health
rather
Rephrase
apply
show examples
negatively.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
For task response, answer the second question more directly. You say it is negative, but you can add one more clear reason to make your view stronger.
task response
For task response, some ideas are good but a few parts are too long or not fully clear. Try to keep one main idea in each part and explain it in a simpler way.
task response
For task response, use more real and clear examples. This will make your points easier to trust and understand.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good. But some sentences are very long, so the flow becomes hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, link ideas in a simpler way. Some parts move too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph has one clear main point and that every sentence supports it.
task response
For task response, you answer both questions and give a clear opinion.
task response
For task response, your main ideas are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the order of ideas is mostly logical.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: