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Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that children’s free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time. What is your opinion?

There is no denying the fact that involving the child’s spare
time
Use synonyms
 with educational tasks is extremely crucial.It is a commonly held belief that keeping them with
an
Correct article usage
apply
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unwise
activties
Correct your spelling
activities
 would waste children’s
time
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.There is
also
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 an argument
opposes
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that opposes
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 it. In my opinion , I consider that planning a
coordinate
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coordinated
 schedule with both
funny
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fun
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 and beneficial tasks would be a great idea.
To begin
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 with , combining the learning process with funny ,
colorful
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colourful
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, and effortless forms will make the process desirable for kids.
In other words
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,
maintain
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maintaining
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 the entertainment
while
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 learning
,
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apply
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 is a
new
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new,
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 effective approach.
In addition
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 , studies regarding
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the learning’s
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learning’s
Check wording
learning
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 process show how
this
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 method plays a significant role
,
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apply
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 in encouraging Children to learn more and more .
For example
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, Japan’s education system
,
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apply
show examples
 added new subjects that
contains
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contain
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 several exciting activities for young learners in order to establish the passion towards education . Another point to consider is
,
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the essential role of parents to supervise their
children’
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children’s
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 spare
time
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 in order
avoiding
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to avoid
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 any unwanted consequences. It is
also
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 possible to say that
,
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apply
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 planning their activities will significantly change their future and ambitions.
Moreover
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, the kid who has been spending his free
time
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 in
appropriate
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an appropriate
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 way
,
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apply
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 shows
an
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apply
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outstanding outcomes in many aspects of his life.
For instance
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, some teachers assume that students whom has been receiving enough caring and attention
,
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apply
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 demonstrate
a
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apply
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great personalities and achievements. In conclusion, despite people having different views. I believe that
,
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apply
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each
moments
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moment
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 of the children’s
time
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 should be wisely used, so parents must be serious and strict on these terms.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Your view changes a little: first you say both fun and study are good, but the end says all time should be used in a wise way with strict control.
coherence cohesion
Make your main idea very clear in each body part. One main point in one paragraph is best.
task response
Use examples that are more clear and more exact. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas in a smooth way. Some parts feel broken because of too many commas or short idea parts.
task response
Explain why your examples support your opinion. Do not only add them; connect them to your point.
coherence cohesion
Use simple paragraph order: topic sentence, explanation, example, short end sentence.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to support your ideas with examples like Japan and teachers.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs follow a logical order from one point to the next.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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