IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The bar shows the percentage in owned rented accommodation in England and Wales in 1918 and 2011. summarize the information and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart shows the comparison of numbers of two different types of household --- owned and rented --- in percentage in England and Wales between year 1918 and 2011.
Overall
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, the percentage of people owning a house in these countries seemed to rise in the given years, as opposed to the trend of the people who rented a house.
To begin
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 with, the owning household rate
, the figure
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 started with less than 25% in 1918 before improving to more than 30% in 1939 and remained until 1953.
However
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, the number steadily rose from 1961 to the next 30 years — from about 40% to 60% in 1991
—
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.
Interestly
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Interestingly
, the rate seemed to touch the peak in 2001 for almost 70%, and dropped to around 65% in 2011. As for the proportion of renting a house, the figure went from the highest that close to 80% in 1918, which is
also
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 the highest for both types of houses, to less than 70% until
1953
Punctuation problem
1953,
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 before continually reducing through the years. After the reduction, the number stayed at more than 20% from 1991 to 2001 before
finally
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 increasing to more than 45% in 2011.

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task response
Write the first line more clearly. Say what the chart shows in a simple way.
task response
Add a clearer overview. Say the main trend in one or two short lines.
task response
Be careful with numbers at the end. The rented figure in 2011 is about 35%, not more than 45%.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer compare words like while, but, and in contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Some lines are too long. Make shorter sentences to help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Group years better. For example: 1918 to 1953, then 1961 to 2001, then 2011.
task response
You gave an overview of both trends.
task response
You used many data points from the chart.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear body parts for owned and rented homes.
coherence and cohesion
The order mostly follows time, so it is easy to follow.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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