IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Obesity has been found to be a serious health hazard over the world, over the past few decades. What are the causes behind it? What steps can be taken to slow down this trend?

Studies show that
obesity
Use synonyms
 is one of the main
causes
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 of Diabetic and Cardivascular diseases in the world. Kuwait ranked second place world wide on obese percentage
.
Change preposition
of obesity.
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However
Linking Words
, if it is not controlled may lead to several
health
Use synonyms
 hazards.
This
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 essay will examine the
causes
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 of
obesity
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, and recomendations and serious steps to keep people healthy and safe.
Obesity
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causes
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 may differ from
country
Correct determiner usage
one country
show examples
 to another, but there are common
counsequences
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consequences
 of
obesity
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worldwirde
Correct your spelling
worldwide
.
First,
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fewer physicial activites specially with kids and adults,
due to
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 social media and other daily bad habits.
Second,
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high download of
food
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 ordering applications.
For
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this
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reason
Add a comma
reason,
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 many
compancies
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companies
 compete
between
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with
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 each other to get more customers to buy
food
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 online.
In addition
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, High consumption of
suger
Correct your spelling
sugar
 daily, because of factories invade suger in evey meal. Admittedly, if these
causes
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not
Verb problem
are not
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 taken seriously, it will lead to many serious
health
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 risks.
However
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, to decrease the percentage of obese people may need
differnt
Correct your spelling
different
sectors
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sectors'
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 effort
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 ministries, policies, schools and
family
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families
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. First of all,
Ministry
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the Ministry
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 of
Health
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 specially public
health
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sector
Punctuation problem
sector,
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 should focus on programs to raise the awarness and support
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 to stay away from
the
Correct article usage
these
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 factors.
Furthermore
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, goverment should set policies for the factories to write down the whole
ingridients
Correct your spelling
ingredients
 and clear
discription
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description
 and
food
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labeling
Change the spelling
labelling
show examples
.
Last
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 but not least, family should focus on their
kids
Check wording
kids'
show examples
 activities and lower the usage of
ipads
Fix capitalization
iPads
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 and social media per day by
downtime
Replace the word
turning off
 their tablets. In
conclution
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conclusion
, to stay healthier and away from gaining weights several things must be
work
Wrong verb form
worked
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 on
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and
movment
Correct your spelling
movement
.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even though
, on
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
level
Punctuation problem
level,
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 they should work on
guidlines
Correct your spelling
guidelines
 and rules to solve these
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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 to avoid serious
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 in the future.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You say the causes and the steps, but some ideas are very short.
task response
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. Put one main idea, then explain it, then give one simple example.
task response
Give more direct examples. For example, say how food apps make people eat more fast food, or how schools can add sport time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good. But some links between ideas are weak.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well: First, Also, For example, As a result, In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the order of words is not clear. Keep sentences shorter and more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one purpose. Paragraph 2 for causes, paragraph 3 for steps.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
task response
You give real causes like low activity, food apps, and high sugar use.
task response
You give useful steps like health programs, rules for food labels, and family help.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, and this helps the reader follow your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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