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Writing Samples
Band 6

The table shows data about the average income for one person in dollars, across two different age groups: under 18 and over 60, as well as the percentage of the poor population in three states in the US, namely California, Utah, and Florida

This
Linking Words
 table
summarize
Change the verb form
summarises
show examples
 the
population
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 below 18 and more than 60 years old. It
also
Linking Words
 shows the average
income
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 of the
population
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 and the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 below
poverty
Correct article usage
the poverty
show examples
 line. Starting with California, it has the highest
portion
Check wording
proportion
show examples
 of poor
people
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 the
income
Use synonyms
 of individuals. There is a close
percentage
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 of the
people
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 below 18 and more than 60 years old, with 17% and 13% respectively. Following we have Florida with 12% of its
population
Use synonyms
 needy. The average
income
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 of citicizen is about 22.000.
However
Linking Words
, the majority of its
population
Use synonyms
 is elderly.
Finally
Linking Words
, Utal has the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
under
Change preposition
below
show examples
 the
line of poverty
Correct word order
poverty line
show examples
, only 9%.
Also
Linking Words
, it has the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 average
income
Use synonyms
 of 17.000$ per person.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there is a
dramatical
Correct your spelling
dramatic
 gap in age with only 8% more than 60 years old and 28% teenagers. To
sumup
Correct your spelling
sum up
, states with high average
income
Use synonyms
 show a greater
cricis
Correct your spelling
crisis
 of poverty,
whereas
Linking Words
Utal
Correct your spelling
Utah
 indicates a low
averge
Correct your spelling
average
income
Use synonyms
, but
less poor
Correct word order
a lower percentage of poor people
show examples
people
Use synonyms
percentage
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, California has a balanced age distribution,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
population
Use synonyms
 of
Utal
Correct your spelling
Utah
 is mostly teenagers
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 Florida has more
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
 adults.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, moreover, whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, people, income, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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