IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is better for young adults to move away from their family home than to continue to live with their parents. Do you agree or disagree?

People often find a challenge separating from their
parents
Use synonyms
 when growing up. Some state that it is better for early
adults
Use synonyms
 to leave their family’s home and
move
Use synonyms
 in with their
parents
Use synonyms
. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement for several reasons.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss my point of view and give reasons to support my opinion. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, deciding to become a
parent
Use synonyms
 is a huge responsibility that needs to be taken seriously.
Firstly
Linking Words
, young
adults
Use synonyms
 have made the decision to be independent from their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it would absolutely make no sense to suddenly leave to
move
Use synonyms
 back in with their
parents
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the absence of
one
Use synonyms
parent
Use synonyms
 can develop a child’s weak mental health. Both
parents
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 need to exert effort
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 raising their infant.
For instance
Linking Words
, research in University of Kuwait examined
an
Correct word order
the overall wellness of an
show examples
 age group between
ages
Correct article usage
the ages
show examples
 of thirteen
to
Correct word choice
and
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 sixteen
Check wording
apply
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overall
Linking Words
 wellness. They found that most pre-teens with poor wellness had an absence of
one
Use synonyms
parent
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.
Finally
Linking Words
, marriage means teamwork
leaving
Punctuation problem
, leaving
show examples
 all the work on
one
Use synonyms
parent
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 isn’t right. So, leaving the load can create chaos
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 an overload of dishes or no time to cook for the kids.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, most young
adults
Use synonyms
 are inexperienced, so having an overload of many responsibilities at once is draining.
One
Use synonyms
 major reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue is that
parents
Use synonyms
 make no time for themselves to relax. Having the need to
move
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 out is understandable, but it affects the family negatively.
For example
Linking Words
, young
parents
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 can try to manage weekly visits to their
parents
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 to be able to refresh.
However
Linking Words
, choosing to fully
move
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 in and leaving the family behind is a huge mistake.
Moreover
Linking Words
, including entertaining activities to do with the family can distract
parents
Use synonyms
 from the huge responsibility they hold. Families can start
organizing
Change the spelling
organising
show examples
 a fun road trip to prevent them from
the need
Replace the word
needing
 to go back to their old dependent lives. In conclusion, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 I don’t see why young
adults
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 should leave their homes to go back and live with their
parents
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. If they
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 to have a
family
Punctuation problem
family,
show examples
 they are capable of being responsible for the difficulties they face. It is essential for young
adults
Use synonyms
 to understand the value of being a
parent
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Stay on the main topic. The question is about young adults leaving their parents’ home, but much of your essay talks about young parents and children. This makes your answer less direct.
task response
Make your position clear in all body parts. You say you disagree, but some ideas are hard to link to that view.
task response
Use ideas that fully answer both sides of the question. Explain why living away can be bad or why living with parents can be good.
task response
Give examples that fit the topic better. Your study about one parent and child health does not clearly match the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Some topic sentences are not fully clear. The first body part starts with being a parent, which does not match the essay question well.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some parts jump from one point to another, so the flow is weak.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear reference words and connectors. Words like 'this issue' and 'it' are sometimes hard to follow.
task response
You clearly state your opinion in the introduction and again in the conclusion.
task response
You try to give reasons and an example to support your view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your writing.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like 'firstly', 'secondly', 'for instance', and 'in conclusion'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal growth
  • Financial independence
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Responsibilities
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Autonomy
  • Social network
  • Support system
  • Living expenses
  • Emotional resilience
  • Professional development
  • Educational pursuits
What to do next:
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