IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

To much emphasis is give to education on the young. More goverment money should be spent on the free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, government funding has become a widespread issue among the general public. Some people believe that the government should give money to
education
Use synonyms
.
However
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, it seems to me that investing in free-time
activities
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 is
also
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 important. The following essay will clarify these viewpoints. On the one hand, it is essential to recognise the significant advantages associated with
education
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 benefits. A crucial consideration is that
education
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 opens the gateway to broaden horizons
,
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apply
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 and enrich knowledge, which highlights that youngsters can have a better understanding of different cultures and traditions.
For example
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, it is noteworthy that
education
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 is a powerful tool for fostering cognitive function
,
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;
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 students can analyse different situations and make informed decisions.
In addition
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, another important point to emphasise is that
education
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 serves as a beneficial solution to prepare for future employment and shape career paths.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that the study helps support the acquisition of specialised knowledge and technical proficiency.
On the other hand
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, it is crucial to examine the opposing viewpoint that free-time
activities
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 are
also
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 crucial. A noteworthy factor to consider is that engaging in outdoor
activities
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 is a great way to promote social skills
,
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 and teamwork, which emphasises that students can develop effective communication and collaboration skills.
For instance
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, one might refer to sports exercise as playing a vital role in helping youngsters know how to handle challenging situations and resilience, which illustrates the potential associated with
this
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 perspective.
Furthermore
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, it is essential to underscore that entertainment
activities
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 pave the way for providing a necessary outlet for stress, which plays a significant role in
this
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 discussion.
This
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 assertion is supported by the fact that pupils can make new friends, encourage a healthier lifestyle and improve time management to lower stress levels when spending many hours on learning. Thereby providing a clearer understanding of the complexities involved. In conclusion, both learning methods are beneficial for students.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first paragraph. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this same view in the whole essay.
task response
Answer the main question more directly. The topic asks if more money should go to free-time activity, but your essay mostly says both sides are good.
task response
Use more specific examples. For example, name one free-time activity and show how it helps young people in real life.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea in each body paragraph very clear at the start. This helps the reader follow your points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used too much or in a long way. Use simple links like first, also, for example, and finally.
coherence and cohesion
Your last sentence is too short and does not fully sum up your view. Write a fuller ending that repeats your main answer.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use topic sentences to start new ideas, and this helps the essay move in a clear way.
task response
You give relevant ideas about education and free-time activity, so your essay stays on the topic.
task response
You explain why both sides matter, and this shows you can develop ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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