IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say the main way be happy in life is to have a lot of money How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things that make people happy? That is the topic

Some individuals say that being wealthy is the main trajectory that leads to
happiness
Use synonyms
. A large amount of
money
Use synonyms
 can make
people
Use synonyms
 feel well because it makes their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 more comfortable in many cases.
Although
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 is a reason for
happiness
Use synonyms
, there are various ways to represent
happiness
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,
such
Linking Words
 as health and
life
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 success. Wealth is a powerful source of
happiness
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, which sufficiently guarantee comfortable
life
Use synonyms
 for
people
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 and facilitate
people
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'slives ,
therefore
Linking Words
 they become happier.
However
Linking Words
, there are many aspects that
money
Use synonyms
 can positively affect. Accommodation, which is totally related to wealth,
for example
Linking Words
,
people
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 who are living in poor
neighborhoods
Change the spelling
neighbourhoods
show examples
 are totally
alternative
Correct word choice
different
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 from those who live in expensive
neighborhoods
Change the spelling
neighbourhoods
show examples
 because there are
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
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 in
life
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 quality and security, as the
neighborhood high
Check wording
neighbourhood's
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 level
as
Verb problem
is directly proportional to
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
life quality and security scale up
Correct word order
scale of life quality and security
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, so it is a synchronous equation.
Moreover
Linking Words
, education can be improved by
money
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,
Punctuation problem
;
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 studies show that rich countries are gaining better education
in
Change preposition
, as a
show examples
result
Punctuation problem
result,
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 they are more knowledgeable, which causes
happiness
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. The majority of
people
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 are not rich enough, but that does not mean they can not be happy. There are various things that make
people
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 happy,
such
Linking Words
 as health and well-being, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not connected to
money
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,
Punctuation problem
. People
show examples
people
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 who are not suffering from physical and mental problems are happy because they can live normally without
bain
Correct your spelling
pain
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, success is
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 dopamine source, which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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happiness
Use synonyms
, when
people
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 achieve their
goals
Punctuation problem
goals,
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 even though it is
easy
Punctuation problem
easy,
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 they feel happy. In conclusion, wealth can make
people
Use synonyms
 happier, but there are sources of
happiness
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 which are not require
money
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. You talk about money and other things, but some ideas need more detail.
task response
Give clearer main ideas in each body part. Put one main point, then explain it, then give one simple example.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and real. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good. But some long sentences are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Use words like first, also, for example, and however.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and make shorter sentences. This will help the reader understand your meaning more easily.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
task response
You give more than one idea about happiness, such as money, health, and success.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing is in clear paragraphs.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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