IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that success in life mainly depends on hard work and determination, while others believe that money and appearance are more important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is often argued that it is spending more
time
Use synonyms
 on work and determination is
consider as
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 a
success
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 in
life
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. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 I think that being rich and looking good is a
measure
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 of
success
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, because no one will see how long
it’s take
Wrong verb form
it takes
show examples
 to reach your
gool
Correct your spelling
goal
 and those days the scale of being successful has
being change
Wrong verb form
changed
show examples
 as compared
it
Change preposition
to
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 before. First of all, I believe that
people
Use synonyms
measure
Use synonyms
success
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 based on the outcome
not
Punctuation problem
, not
show examples
 only
how
Change preposition
on how
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 long you put
time
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on
Change preposition
into
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 something.
you
Fix capitalization
You
show examples
 may focus on a job and spend a lot of
time
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 and attention on
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
show examples
, but those jobs
are doesn’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
don’t
show examples
led
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good outcomes. The results from the
time
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 you spend
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
could be
money
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, followers or reaching your personal target.
For instance
Linking Words
, celebrities
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are just taking a
shots
Fix the agreement mistake
shot
show examples
 or sending a post on X platform
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 taking few
Use synonyms
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 to do it
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they are rich.
while
Linking Words
, cleaner spend more
time
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 and energy on cleaning and washing and
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 less
money
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. That’s why it is more important to
measure
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success
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 based on the results that we get.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
people
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 over
time
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changing
Wrong verb form
change
show examples
 their view on the successful person. Back in the days, the
measure
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 of
success
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is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 how
many
Correct determiner usage
much
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 research or experience you
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 in
form of
Correct determiner usage
an
show examples
 academic way.
This
Linking Words
Linking Words
due
Verb problem
is due
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 to the high exposure to social media and movies
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
led
Verb problem
has led
show examples
 to
change
Correct article usage
a change
show examples
how
Change preposition
in how
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people
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 see
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
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 in
life
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. A research
form
Use the right word
by
show examples
 Adam Khaled in 2021, he was searching
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the effect of social media on
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 thoughts. By asking
people
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on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different ages what
do you
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 want to be when
you
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 grow up, the research shows that from 15 to 25 years old
people
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 thinking that
success
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 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money
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.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
from above 40 years old
Correct word order
people above 40 years old
show examples
people
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 say
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
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 being a scientist.
Thus
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 could change the way they see
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
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 in
life
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. In conclusion, I strongly believe that making a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 and presenting oneself well are considered signs of
success
Use synonyms
 in modern
life
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.
Although
Linking Words
 hard work and determination are still valuable qualities,
people
Use synonyms
 today are more likely to judge
success
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 by visible achievements
such
Linking Words
 as wealth, status, and appearance.

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task response
Make your main idea more clear from the start. Say exactly if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this same view all through the essay.
task response
Explain your ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they need deeper support so the reader can clearly see why you think this way.
task response
Use examples that feel more direct and real. Your example about famous people is useful, but it needs a clearer link to the question about success in life.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in a more natural order. Some sentences are hard to follow, so the message becomes less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words like first, second, for instance, and thus are good, but some sentences still do not connect smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one clear main point, then add support for that point only.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear view in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas, which is a good step for a stronger essay.
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