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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that technology is making people less socially active, while others believe it is improving communication. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There has been a long debate over how
technology
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 affects
socialization
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socialisation
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. Some
people
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 believe that it has
overall
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 made
people
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 less social,
while
Linking Words
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 argue that it has improved communication among
people
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. I personally strongly agree with the former view on
this
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 topic. The development of
technology
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 over time has affected how we perceive personal relationships. At their core, social events are an important part of a community, helping
people
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 to connect and relate to each other.
While
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this
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 is possible online, it is significantly more impactful when it happens organically in real life. With the increase in the use of
technology
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, offline interactions tend to happen less and less, resulting in a lack of
socialization
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socialisation
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.
This
Linking Words
 can result in feelings of loneliness that deeply affect the human psyche, often leading to depression.
For example
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, spending less time with family and friends can make individuals feel estranged and abandoned.
Furthermore
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, because of the lack of real social interactions, loneliness can cause
people
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 to develop unhealthy parasocial relationships online.
For instance
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, misinterpreting a relationship with a person, usually someone famous, can be dangerous for everyone involved.
However
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,
while
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 these are some of the drawbacks of
technology
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, it has
also
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 improved some parts of communication. One of the first major advantages is finding an online community
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 with peers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 share hobbies and interests. It is not uncommon for
people
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 from small countries or rural areas to have niche or unpopular passions, so seeking
online
Correct article usage
an online
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 community can be very reassuring.
For example
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, tattoos are a taboo subject in many cultures, so trying to find an online friend group could be detrimental. In conclusion,
while
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 there are merits to the development of
technology
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 and how it has helped communication, I believe that the disadvantages outweigh the positive effects.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. You explain the first side well, but the second side is short.
task response
Give a clearer opinion all through the essay, not only in the start and end.
task response
Use examples that fit your point better. The tattoo example is not fully clear and may confuse the reader.
task response
Add one more idea about how technology improves communication, such as helping families talk across long distance.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few parts jump too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one main idea and enough support.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, however, for example, and in conclusion.
task response
You clearly state the topic and your opinion in the introduction.
task response
You discuss both views, so you answer the main task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion is clear and matches your opinion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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