IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for government to impose higher taxes on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In many countries,
people
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 are increasingly consuming fast
food
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, which has led to serious
health
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 problems
such
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 as obesity and cancer. Fast
food
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 is usually high in calories and contains harmful chemicals. Some
people
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 believe that
governments
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 should impose higher
taxes
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 on
this
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 kind of
food
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. I partly agree with
this
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 opinion,
although
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 I believe other solutions are
also
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 necessary. On the one hand, increasing
taxes
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 on fast
food
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 may encourage
people
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 to rethink their eating habits and make better decisions for their
health
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. When fast
food
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 becomes more expensive, consumers may choose to eat at home or look for healthier options.
In addition
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,
governments
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 can raise awareness through campaigns that explain how fast
food
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 negatively affects
health
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, especially children’s
health
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.
For example
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, parents should limit how often their children eat fast
food
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,
such
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 as allowing it only once a month.
On the other hand
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, not everyone can afford healthy or organic
food
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. Many low-income
people
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 choose fast
food
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 because it is cheaper than meals from proper restaurants.
Although
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 grocery stores sell organic
food
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, these products are often expensive and difficult for families to afford.
Therefore
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,
instead
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 of only increasing
taxes
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,
governments
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 should support local grocery stores and make healthy
food
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 more affordable for the public. In conclusion, I agree that
governments
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 should impose higher
taxes
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 on fast
food
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 to reduce its consumption.
However
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,
this
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 policy should be combined with financial support and education to help
people
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 access healthy
food
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 and improve their
overall
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health
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.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear from the start and keep it the same in the end.
task response
Add one more clear idea on why tax can help or why it may not help.
task response
Use a more real and strong example, not only a general one about parents and children.
coherence cohesion
Link your ideas more directly. At times, one point ends and a new point starts too fast.
coherence cohesion
Develop each main point a bit more with cause and result.
coherence cohesion
Keep paragraph 2 and paragraph 3 balanced in size and support.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Most ideas are easy to follow in a logical order.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fast food
  • health problems
  • high in fat, sugar and salt
  • become overweight
  • heart disease
  • public health
  • impose higher taxes
  • reduce consumption
  • change eating habits
  • medical costs
  • healthy diet
  • food labels
  • low-income families
  • cheap and convenient
  • long-term solution
  • take responsibility
  • government policy
  • access to healthy food
  • partly agree
  • a wider plan
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