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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many workplaces, online communication is getting more common than meeting face to face. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In modern society, life has changed a great deal, especially in how
people
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 communicate in many workplaces. Some
people
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 believe that online communication is becoming more common.
However
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, other
people
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 believe that meeting face-to-face is more useful.
Thus
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, both ideas have significant
points
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.
This
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 assay will provide key information to support the topic. On one hand, in terms of the advantages,
according to
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 the primary point, online communication has many positive
points
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. First,it can save money.
This
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work
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 can save the file without printing.
Moreover
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, it can save time , and it can make the
work
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 faster.
This
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 means that the meeting become more easyer than the direct
work
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.
For example
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, the bank can
work
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 on important
paper by
Check wording
paperwork
show examples
 online . All these
points
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 support the income and the outcome of the
work
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On the other hand
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, in terms of the disadvantages,
according to
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 the secondary point, meeting face-to-face has many negative
points
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.
Firstly
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, working face-to-face can make the time happy.
This
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 means the worker can enjoy and learn during the hard times of
work
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.
Secondly
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, it can improve
work
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 skills.
This
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 means it increases hard
work
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 skills.
For example
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, the modern computer tools need a direct hand. In conclusion, in terms of advantages and disadvantages,
according to
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 the given data, there are major benefits.
However
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, there are main harmful
points
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.
Thus
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, the worker recommends
people
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 follow the tips for a positive result and the best outcome.

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task response
Answer the full question more clearly. You need to say if the good points are more than the bad points, and keep this view all through the essay.
task response
Give clearer main ideas in each body part. Some ideas are hard to understand, so the reader cannot see your point well.
task response
Use real and clear examples. Your bank example is very short and does not fully support your main idea.
task response
Make paragraph ideas fit the topic better. In the second body part, you talk about good points of meeting face to face, but you call them bad points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some links are used, but they do not always help the flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Build each paragraph in a simple order: main idea, explanation, example, result. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence meaning. Some sentences are not clear, and this breaks the flow between one idea and the next.
coherence and cohesion
Write a stronger conclusion. It should repeat your main answer in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to discuss both sides of the topic, which is a good start for this task.
coherence and cohesion
You use some basic linking words like on one hand, on the other hand, first, and moreover.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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