IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that has been scienticfially proven to have bad effect on people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, there has been growing concern about the harmful effects of certain
food
Use synonyms
 and drink
products
Use synonyms
 on human
health
Use synonyms
. Some individuals argue that shops should be prohibited from selling items that have been scientifically proven to be detrimental. It is a widely discussed topic around the world. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view, because restricting these
products
Use synonyms
 can improve public
health
Use synonyms
, but it may
also
Linking Words
 lead to economic and social drawbacks. On the one hand, the main significant benefit is
restricting
Correct word choice
that restricting
show examples
 the sale of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and beverages can significantly benefit public
health
Use synonyms
. In the contemporary era, these
products
Use synonyms
 are ubiquitous in the world, which are spreading various types of diseases
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, diabetes, and heart problems.
Moreover
Linking Words
, numerous youngsters and teenagers widely consumed these items, on the grounds that these are beneficial in taste, cheaper, and available
feasible
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in any country.
For instance
Linking Words
, in recent
times
Punctuation problem
times,
show examples
 many studies show that fast
food
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as Pizza, Bugger, and sugary drinks have detrimental ramifications on human
health
Use synonyms
 all over the globe.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the governments should add extra taxes on these
products
Use synonyms
 to mitigate their use.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a dominant disadvantage is that if governments totally banned these kinds of unhealthy
products
Use synonyms
, it
has
Wrong verb form
would have
show examples
 negative implications
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the economy of the countries. Numerous businesses and industries rely heavily on the production and sale of these
products
Use synonyms
, and prohibiting them could result in job losses and financial instability.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, people should retain
freedom
Correct article usage
the freedom
show examples
 to make their own lifestyle choices. Rather than enforcing a strict ban, the state should commence alternative measures
such
Linking Words
 as public awareness, campaigns, and product labelling to encourage healthier consumption patterns. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 banning harmful
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks improves public
health
Use synonyms
, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view, but complete prohibition is not a practical and desirable solution.
Therefore
Linking Words
, governments must promote a balanced approach, combining regulations and roles with education, which would be a more effective remedy.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
For task response, keep one clear view from start to end. You say 'I partly agree' first, but later you say 'I strongly agree'. This makes your position unclear.
task response
For task response, answer the full question more directly. Explain more clearly how far you agree, and why your middle view is better than a full ban.
task response
For task response, use more clear and real support. Your example about fast food is general. Add one more specific example or result.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear 4-part shape: intro, two body parts, and end. This is good.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some links are not smooth. A few sentences are long or hard to follow. Try shorter sentences with one main idea each.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some words are used in the wrong way, like 'beneficial in taste' and 'available feasible'. This makes the flow weaker.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make topic sentences more direct. For example: 'A ban can help health' and 'A full ban can hurt jobs and choice.'
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and try to give a balanced view.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant: health, jobs, and personal choice.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow overall because each paragraph has a clear role.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'On the one hand', 'Moreover', 'Furthermore', and 'In conclusion'.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: