IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

In today's world, manufactured food and drinkable
products
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 are full of high
levels
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 of
sugar
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, which may lead to multiple health-related issues. The prices of
products
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 with high
levels
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 of
sugar
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 should be raised to help people consume less
sugar
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. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea as it may help with reducing the proportion of health problems. One main reason
for
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apply
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why it is a positive step to raise the price of sugary
products
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,
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apply
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 is that it can really help with decreasing the number of people dealing with obesity.
In other words
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, it is well known that the consumption of drinks or food that contains large amounts of
sugar
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can lead to not only
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cannot only lead
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 to an increase in the percentage of individuals suffering from obesity, but it may
also
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 lead to diabetes. The consumption of massive amounts of
sugar
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 can raise the
levels
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 of
sugar
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 in the blood, which may lead to weakened
self-wellbeing
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self-well-being
.
For example
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, it may result in the blockage of blood vessels
due to
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 the buildup of cholesterol, which comes from the large intake of
sugar
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 or the person's weight. Another reason is that it can really affect the hormones in
children
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. Supermarkets around the globe are known for their designs of sweets to attract
children
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 to buy them, because of their sweet taste.
Moreover
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, a huge intake of sugars, especially for
children
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, can mess with the hormones that play a vital role in their growth. A lot of
children
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 nowadays suffer from weight gain
due to
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 sugary foods or drinks, which really destroys the health of these
children
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. In conclusion, increasing the price of
products
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 with large
levels
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 of
sugar
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 can really lead to a more awakened community.
As a result
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, the majority of health problems which come from the consumption of sugary
products
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 will be reduced noticeably.

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task response
Task response: Your answer is clear and you agree all the way. This is good. To get a higher score, add one short idea about the other side and then show why your side is stronger.
task response
Task response: Some ideas are good, but a few points are too general. Try to explain more exactly how higher price will make people buy less sugar.
task response
Task response: Your example is not very strong because it is general. Add a real and clear example, such as a sugar tax in one country.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. This helps the reader follow your ideas well.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Use linking words more carefully. Some parts sound long or repeated. Shorter sentences can make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: In some places, the main idea and support are not closely linked. Make sure each paragraph has one main point and then explain that point step by step.
task response
Task response: You answer the question directly and your opinion is clear from the start.
task response
Task response: You give two main reasons for your view, which gives your essay enough content.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay is divided into clear paragraphs, and this makes it easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: You use simple linkers like 'one main reason', 'another reason', and 'in conclusion' well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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