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Writing Samples
Band 5

In Many Countries, Children do not do physical exercises as much as before and the tend to become more and more overweight. What are the reasons and solutions of this?

In many places around the world,
children
Use synonyms
 are becoming obese because they are physically less active than before.
This
Linking Words
 is happening because
parents
Use synonyms
 do not encourage them to do physical work.
Additionally
Linking Words
, schools do not give more importance to
sports
Use synonyms
 activities. In today's era, many
children
Use synonyms
 are getting overweight because they do not do physical
Use synonyms
exercises
Check wording
exercise
show examples
. The prime reasons for
this
Linking Words
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 that
parents
Use synonyms
 are not motivating their kids to play
sports
Use synonyms
 or to perform physical
exercises
Use synonyms
 at home.
As a result
Linking Words
, they spend most of their time on their phones and eat junk food.
Secondly
Linking Words
, schools
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
show examples
 more importance to academic subjects than
playing
Change preposition
to playing
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
. Students usually spend most of their day sitting
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 classroom chairs rather than going
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
 to participate in any physical work.
Cosequently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, they gain extra weight and eventually become obese. To solve the above mentioned issues, both
parents
Use synonyms
 and school management have their roles. First of all,
Parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage their
children
Use synonyms
 to engage in physical activities.
For example
Linking Words
,
They
Fix capitalization
they
show examples
 can take out time and take their child to
park
Correct article usage
the park
show examples
 to play with them.
This
Linking Words
 will motivate them to be more active in their daily lives.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, schools should have a mandatory
sports
Use synonyms
 unit in the morning where learners can do physical
exercises
Use synonyms
, like aerobics and yoga.
Also
Linking Words
, students who do well in
sports
Use synonyms
 should be rewarded. These actions will demonstrate the importance of physical
Use synonyms
exercises
Check wording
exercise
show examples
 to other students. To sum it up,
negligence
Correct article usage
the negligence
show examples
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 and
school
Check wording
schools
show examples
 is the main reason for
children
Use synonyms
 becoming obese nowadays.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they should play a key role in encouraging them to be active in their daily routine.

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task response
Answer both parts of the task in a full way. You give reasons and solutions, so this is good. But your ideas can be more fully explained.
task response
Add one more clear and real example to support your ideas. This will make your answer stronger.
task response
Some ideas are clear, but a few points are too general. Explain how and why more often.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. This helps the reader follow your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some are good, like 'Additionally', 'Secondly', and 'Furthermore'. Try not to overuse them.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences can connect more smoothly. Check small grammar and word form errors because they can make the flow weaker.
task response
You answer the full question by giving both reasons and solutions.
task response
Your main ideas are easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well organized into paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • urbanization
  • recreational facilities
  • processed foods
  • extracurricular sports
  • physical education
  • active lifestyle
  • nutritional value
  • policy changes
  • walkable cities
  • public health campaigns
  • nutritional education
  • fast food consumption
  • unhealthy eating habits
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