IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There’s
some
Correct determiner usage
a
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 group of
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that investment in the art is worthy of
government
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 duty.
However
Linking Words
, another group
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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believes that the
government
Use synonyms
 should focus and spend money on public
services
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instead
Linking Words
 of
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
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. I mostly agree that the
government
Use synonyms
 should spend on public
services
Use synonyms
 that could benefit society rather than
arts
Use synonyms
 that only
specify only
Verb problem
benefit
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 small
groups
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 of
people
Use synonyms
. The
arts
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 have been interested by few
groups
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 compared with most
groups
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 of
people
Use synonyms
. The
arts
Use synonyms
 have become entertainment
such
Linking Words
 as music, theatre and cinema.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
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 can help with emotional development too. Even though it only works with some
groups
Use synonyms
 of
people
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,
there’s
Correct subject-verb agreement
there are
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 still some
people
Use synonyms
 who are not interested in
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
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too
Rephrase
either
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. From my point of view, art is worthless compared with public
services
Use synonyms
 that are more beneficial to
people
Use synonyms
 in society. The
government
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 must concentrate on basic needs
proved
Verb problem
provided
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 by the
government
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 that
profit
Verb problem
benefit
show examples
 the
citizens
Use synonyms
. Those welfare includes
citizens
Use synonyms
' needs
such
Linking Words
 as roads, street lamps and footpaths.
There
Correct pronoun usage
They
show examples
also
Linking Words
 include hospitals and schools that are provided by the
government
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. If the
government
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 chooses to invest in welfare.
In other words
Linking Words
, if they focus on investing in
citizens
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'
needs
Punctuation problem
needs,
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 they will be much more worthy than investing in the
arts
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I largely agree on the point that the
government
Use synonyms
 must invest in public
services
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of the
arts
Use synonyms
. If the
government
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 chooses public
services
Use synonyms
, it will improve
citizens
Use synonyms
 lives
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
arts
Use synonyms
 might improve
as well as
Linking Words
 public
services
Use synonyms
 by themself without
government
Use synonyms
 help.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in the first part. Say clearly that you agree, disagree, or partly agree.
task response
Add one or two clear examples to support your ideas about public services and art.
task response
Explain your points more. Some ideas are too short, so the reader cannot fully see why you think this.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly with words like 'first', 'also', 'however', and 'therefore'.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some lines are hard to follow.
task response
You answer the question and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Your main focus stays on government spending, art, and public services.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
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