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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below shows the percentage of people going to the gym every month in one country from 1990 to 2005. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph describes
percentages
Correct article usage
the percentages
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 going to the
gym
Use synonyms
, divided by age groups, between 1990 and 2010. From an
overall
Linking Words
 view, a progressive and significant trend can be observed in each group during the examined
period
Use synonyms
. In
1990
Punctuation problem
1990,
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 the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
18-24
Correct word order
aged 18- 24 years
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years
Use synonyms
 aged was slightly higher than that of those between 35 and 44
years
Use synonyms
. Both represented the highest number of
people
Use synonyms
 having access to the
gym
Use synonyms
. Both lines progressively increased
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 a shift between them is observed in 1998, when
35-44
Correct word order
people aged 35- 44 years old
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 old
people
Use synonyms
 raised the highest number of accesses, going from 30% to almost 60% in 2006.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 group had a slight decrease from 2006 to 2010.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there was a progressive increase by 20% among
people
Use synonyms
 aged between 25 and 34
years
Use synonyms
, during the
period
Use synonyms
 between 1998 and 2010. Old
people
Use synonyms
 have the lowest number of accesses to the
gym
Use synonyms
 during all the observation time, with a progressive slight increase from 1990 to 2002, and a subsequent significant peak from 10% to 23% during the
further
Linking Words
period
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, young
people
Use synonyms
 have a progressive increase from 1990 to 2010, with some fluctuations between 1998
to
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 2005. It can be concluded that, during the observed
period
Use synonyms
, middle-aged groups have the highest percentages of access to the
gym
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the youngest and the oldest ones are the
less
Replace the word
least
 represented, even if all the lines show increasing trends.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, gym, period, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage
  • gym attendance
  • health consciousness
  • surge
  • peak
  • decline
  • saturation point
  • fitness activities
  • trend
  • significant increase
  • gradual increase
  • marked surge
  • sharp rise
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