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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government has the duty to ensure its citizens have a healthy diet, while others argue it is the responsibility of each individual. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is no denying the fact that the human body requires a balanced diet.
While
Linking Words
 it is
commonly
Correct article usage
a commonly
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 held belief that a person must be aware of their health, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that the
government
Use synonyms
 must limit
citizen’s
Check wording
citizens’
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 diet. On the one hand, most
people
Use synonyms
 rely on fast
food
Use synonyms
 or synthetic
meals
Use synonyms
. One of the main reasons for
that is
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unhealthy
Correct word choice
that unhealthy
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 snacks and
meals
Use synonyms
 are very cheap
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it increases
people
Use synonyms
’s attraction.
People
Use synonyms
 who always work outside buy pre-prepared
meals
Use synonyms
 every day and consume them.
In addition
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, humans who work online from home consume a lot of unhealthy
food
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, and it results
with
Change preposition
in
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 disease and diabetes.
Moreover
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, humans who sit for hours every day because of their jobs must do some movements often. Because our immune system and bones must get some blood transformation.
For example
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, a student
,
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apply
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 who conducted a study from Stanford University
,
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apply
show examples
 concluded that
people
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 who work at the office suffer from obesity.
On the other hand
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, some homo-sapiens think that the
government
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 must ban unhealthy foods from supermarkets and restaurants. Some unhealthy
meals
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 end with cancer,
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is why
people
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 must limit their
detrimental
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consumption of detrimental
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food
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 for protecting their health. What’s more, there should be more time for sports in schools.
For example
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, in China and
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
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 the
government
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 prescribed junk
food
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 and fast
food
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 from school canteens and replaced vegetables
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instead of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 them. In conclusion, everyone must ponder
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their health
,
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apply
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 before the
government
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 establishes new duties
about
Change preposition
regarding
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 a healthy diet.
Although
Linking Words
 humans must learn to balance their diets.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about the person and the government, but your opinion is not fully clear and strong.
task response
Give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep it the same in the end.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are too general, so the reader wants more detail.
task response
Use examples that are clear and direct. Some examples now feel weak or not fully linked to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion. This is good.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. Some sentences do not connect well to the main point of the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In body 1, the part about exercise moves away from diet.
task response
You discuss both views, so you answer the main question.
task response
You give some examples, such as school food in China and Japan.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a full structure with an opening and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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