IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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There are two groups of
people
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, one who
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
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 it is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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best for
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government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to have
access
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 to
everyones
Correct your spelling
everyone's
 phone call records and messages, and one think that
this
Linking Words
 is a matter of
privacy of the
Correct word order
the person's privacy
show examples
person
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 and should not be accessed. I believe that if the
government
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 chooses a qualified
person
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 for monitoring who keeps the
data
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's integration
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the phone user is not doing anything illegal has nothing to be afraid of being seen by the
government
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.
First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 group of
people
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 who believe that
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government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should have
access
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 to everyone's
phones
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are concerned about the general safety of the public. Some illegal activity may be uncovered if the
phones
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 can be monitored.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 a criminal might be planning to bomb a city building
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 if the
government
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 can
access
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 their
phones
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, the risk of
such
Linking Words
 incidents happening will drop instantly.
This
Linking Words
 could have psychological effects as well
,
Punctuation problem
;
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people
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 will be more aware of what they are doing on their
phones
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 when they feel like someone is watching them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 believe that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should not have
access
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 to everyone's
phones
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.
People
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 will have a sense of insecurity when using their
phones
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, knowing someone is watching their every message. They may not feel comfortable
to share
Wrong verb form
sharing
show examples
 some of their personal
data
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 with a trusted
person
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 over texts or phone calls. Security breaches may happen if the
government
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 chooses the wrong
person
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 for monitoring
people
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's activities
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 the
person
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 might leak the
data
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 or be associated with a criminal group to use the
data
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 gathered to their advantage. It can be concluded, that
people
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 will feel uneasy knowing they are being watched, but they would be more understanting if they learn about the benefits it can have and the criminal activities it can prevent if there is the right agent chosen for monitoring the
data
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 with a secured network to monitor the
data
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 within.

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task response
Write your opinion in a more clear way from the start and keep the same view to the end.
task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. Give one strong point for each side and explain it more.
task response
Use examples that are more real and more full. Explain how each example supports your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter and clearer. A few ideas are hard to follow because the sentence is too long.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words like 'on the other hand', 'for example', and 'in conclusion' are good, but some parts still feel loose.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph topic sentences. Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You used a clear example about crime prevention.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to see in most parts.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
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