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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that stricter punishments are the most effective way to reduce crime, while others argue that education and rehabilitation are more important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some individuals assume that stricter punishments are the most effective way to reduce
crime
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, whilst others consider that
education
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 and
rehabilitation
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 are more crucial. I contend, with considerable conviction, that educational and
rehabilitation
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programs
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 are more crucial because they can help offenders reform and prevent future
offenses
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offences
show examples
. One of the most persuasive arguments in favour of
this
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 view is that
education
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 and
rehabilitation
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programs
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 can prevent future
offenses
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offences
show examples
.
This
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 is primarily rooted in the observation that strict punishment policies and harsh prison conditions could act as a strong deterrent for prisoners. Put more precisely, harsh conditions could change the behaviour of prisoners and promote social reintegration. A longitudinal study conducted by researchers at the United Nations illustrates that 80
percent
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per cent
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 of prisoners have changed after imposing these
crime
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 prevention strategies, like behaviour change
programs
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. A
further
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 dimension of
this
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 issue lies in the fact that it
also
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 helps offenders reform.
This
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 phenomenon is largely explained by the fact that stricter punishments can lead to long- term
crime
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 reduction. As a direct consequence of
this
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, the social reintegration process addresses the root causes of
crime
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. Real-world evidence reinforces
this
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 notion;
for instance
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, a survey conducted at UNESCO depicts that psychological
education
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programs
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 help offenders reform and lead to successful reintegration into society. Ultimately,
while
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 some individuals consider that stricter punishments are the most effective way to reduce
crime
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, I believe that
education
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 and
rehabilitation
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programs
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 are more important.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. Now, you say education and rehab are more important, but your body talks a lot about strict punishment.
task response
Make your main idea stay the same in each body paragraph. Do not mix punishment ideas with rehab ideas.
task response
Give more clear and real support for your points. Some examples feel not clear or may not be true.
task response
Explain how education and rehab reduce crime with simple cause and effect.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences that match the paragraph idea. This will help the essay feel more united.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, but a few sentences do not connect well to the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each main point with one clear explanation and one fitting example.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a basic 4-part structure, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'One of the most persuasive arguments' and 'Ultimately'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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