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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010 .

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The bar chart depicts the proportion of Australian both males and
females
Use synonyms
 having different
age
Use synonyms
sets
Check wording
groups
show examples
 who performed daily exercise in 2010 .
Overall
Linking Words
, Women were at the top of the list than men to
do
Verb problem
engage in
show examples
 regular
based
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
activity .Only
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
once the ratio for males increased
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
females
Correct word choice
female
show examples
 participation remained
stable
Punctuation problem
stable,
show examples
although
Linking Words
 there was
decline
Correct article usage
a decline
show examples
 at middle
age
Use synonyms
 group. In the
age
Use synonyms
 of 15 to
24
Punctuation problem
24,
show examples
 it was
notice
Wrong verb form
noticed
show examples
 that the percentage for
male
Check wording
males
show examples
 increased
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 52
percent
Use synonyms
 which was higher than
Use synonyms
females
Correct pronoun usage
that of females
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was 47
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 data reversed at 25 to 34
females
Use synonyms
 were at
top
Correct article usage
the top
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was 48
percent
Use synonyms
 and for
male
Check wording
males
show examples
 it was 42
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 only.
Linking Words
However
Punctuation problem
However,
show examples
 for the
age
Use synonyms
 group of 35 to
44
Punctuation problem
44,
show examples
 the ratio for women
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 at
topped
Verb problem
apply
show examples
about 52
percent
Use synonyms
 which was relatively
high enough
Replace the word
higher
 than
men
Correct pronoun usage
that of men
show examples
. If we discuss
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
age
Use synonyms
 group of 45 to 54
Punctuation problem
, again
show examples
again
Punctuation problem
again,
show examples
 the women did
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 regular exercise
approximately
Punctuation problem
, approximately
show examples
 53
Use synonyms
percent on
Punctuation problem
per cent. On
show examples
 the other
side
Check wording
hand,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 rate for men declined
around
Change preposition
to around
show examples
 43
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.Only at one site
this
Linking Words
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 almost equal for the
age
Use synonyms
 of 65 and over
foe
Punctuation problem
, foe
show examples
 male it was 46
percent
Use synonyms
 and for
females
Use synonyms
 it was 47
percent
Use synonyms
 only
there was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
one
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 difference between
eachother
Correct your spelling
each other
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words females, age, percent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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