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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In the early formative years of a child's
life
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, it is imperative to carefully educate them through their surroundings. Since a majority
part
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apply
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of the day of the
children
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 is spent in schools, I believe the institutions play a crucial role in shaping
students
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students'
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 personalities
leading
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, leading
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 to direct and positive impacts on
the
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apply
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society. Primary schooling affords exposure to
children
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which
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, which
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 teaches them how to interact with
world
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the world
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. An eclectic classroom,
for example
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, can teach a student to be tolerant, respectful and patient. Collective assignments
also
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instill
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instil
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 a sense of teamwork and leadership.
Children
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 develop
understanding
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an understanding
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 of a structural hierarchy from the principal to teachers to students council.
Moreover
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, extracurriculars
including
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, including
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 sports tournaments, model UN, presentations and public speaking, all contribute to the development of soft skills—a skillset that can guide the
children
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 in every walk of their
life
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. Interestingly, schools in Japan do not have janitors
and
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, and
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 the responsibility of
cleanliness of campuses befalls
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campus cleanliness falls on
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 the students.
This
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 not only emphasizes on hygeine but
also
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 makes them self-reliant.
On the other hand
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, the role of
parents
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 in a child's
life
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 is indispensable. Being in their comfort space, the
children
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 are more receptive
—
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,
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learning actively
as well as
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 passively through observation.
Parents
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 become
a
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apply
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role
model
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models
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 for their
children
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.
Additionally
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,
parents
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 are deeply aware of their offspring's behaviour patters enabling them to inculcate positive behaviours in them. Valuable lessons
learnt
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learned
 from one's
parents
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 can have lasting impacts
as
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, as
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 the teachings have an emotional element as well.
However
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, systematic teaching
coupled with
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 real-world exposure can be pivotal in a child's
life
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, leading to a well-rounded
personalities
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personality
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.

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task response
Write your opinion more clearly in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Discuss both sides in a more equal way. The school side is much longer than the parent side.
task response
Add one more clear idea about how parents teach social values at home.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph fuller. Now it is too short for a strong ending.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words a little more carefully so each paragraph moves step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Check small grammar and word form errors because they can make ideas less clear.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
task response
Your school paragraph has clear ideas and a good example from Japan.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear paragraph structure.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas connect well and are easy to follow.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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