IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

To what extent do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Fear is the most powerful factor influencing human behaviour.

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The novel Lord of the Flies by
Wiliam
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William
 Golding
,
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apply
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centers
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centres
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 on a group of
boys
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that
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who
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 are stranded on an
island
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 with no contact with the outside world. The
boys
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 navigate ever-increasing challenges
in
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on
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 the
island
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which
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, which
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 compel them to make difficult
decisions
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as a result
Linking Words
 of exposed fears
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of adult supervision or guidance. Through the progression of
this
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 story, Golding suggests that oftentimes when individuals navigate difficult situations in an unfamiliar environment, their fears lead them to make impulsive and
un-thought-out
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unthought-out
decisions
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which
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, which
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 in turn ramps up chaos and spirals them along an endless path of
disorganization
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disorganisation
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. In the beginning of the novel, the
boys
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 felt no
fear
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 about the absence of adults and dreamed of the possibilities that could take shape on the
island
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 under their control. Building a system of governance, they created a makeshift democracy and
patitioned
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partitioned
 roles for efficient survival on the
island
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, mirroring the society they had been nurtured and integrated into before being stranded.
This
Linking Words
 demonstrates how they're still under the guidance and influence of the adult society;
therefore
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, they lack
fear
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 and make sound
decisions
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.
However
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, once the notion of a beast within the
island
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 emerges, the
boys
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 are introduced to their underlying
fear
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 of the unknown. The description of a beast, "a snake-thing, ever so big” (Golding 34
)
Punctuation problem
),
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makes the
boys
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 restless with growing
fear
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, highlighting the
boys
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' uncertainty in a situation that they are unfamiliar in dealing with. The adult society hadn't taught them how to navigate situations as
such
Linking Words
, leaving them to depend on their own instincts and scattered
judgement
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judgment
 to deal with the challenge. The
boys
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 start to make instinctive
decisions
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 based on their ramping-up
fear
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 of the unknown that
consequentially
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consequently
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 lead to more fears and complexities coming into light.

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task response
Make your answer more direct. Say early if you agree, disagree, or partly agree.
task response
Add a clear end part. Your essay stops too soon and has no full final thought.
task response
Explain the main idea more. Show why fear is the most powerful factor, not just one strong factor.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words like first, next, as a result, and in the end to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part focused on one main point and develop it with a full example.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence flow. Some long sentences are hard to follow and need simpler form.
task response
The essay has a clear topic and stays on it.
task response
You use a strong example from the book to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is mostly easy to follow from start to middle.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphing is used in a clear way.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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