IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
Some people believe that the educational system should teach students how to manage their finances in the world. I completely disagree with that. In the following essay, I will elaborate on my perspective.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, one of the main disagreements is that it is hard for
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 system to establish a standard. First of all, most universal
schools
Use synonyms
 tend to be general rather than
personalized
Change the spelling
personalised
show examples
, but every student comes from
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
households
Fix the agreement mistake
household
show examples
 with various backgrounds and values, which makes it difficult for educators to set a standard
that is
Linking Words
 suitable for every learner.
For instance
Linking Words
, with children growing up in different environments, especially between rich
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 poor families, they have different views on financial concepts, which leads some students to focus on investment,
while
Linking Words
 others focus on saving money in real life.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when parents and educators have different financial values and can not reach an agreement, it easily leads to many controversies. In the end,
this
Linking Words
 leaves children in a worse situation where they develop weak financial skills. Another reason is that teachers are under a lot of pressure.
Firstly
Linking Words
, many people think that teachers are supposed to teach financial literacy in
schools
Use synonyms
, so that young adults can manage their finances effectively.
As a result
Linking Words
, if teenagers are still unable to manage their money after graduation, public pressure is placed on teachers.
In addition
Linking Words
, developing financial skills is more effective through practical experience,
such
Linking Words
 as investing in stocks or starting a business, which is limited in
schools
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, parents should pass down their financial values to their children rather than rely on the educational system, which helps avoid unnecessary controversy and social pressure.
Moreover
Linking Words
, practical experience is an essential key to improving financial skills, which
schools
Use synonyms
 can not provide.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main answer more clear all through the essay. You say you fully disagree, so each body part should strongly support that one side.
task response
Add one more clear and real example to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more deeply. Some points are good, but a few need more detail to be fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. To improve more, make the link between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well, but a few parts feel repeated or a bit heavy. Use fewer repeated starters like 'firstly' and 'moreover'.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection carefully. In some places, the jump from one idea to the next is not fully smooth.
task response
You give a clear position in the introduction and keep it to the end.
task response
You cover the topic and give two main reasons for your view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph structure with introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are easy to follow, and the order is logical.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: