IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Societies led by males have always been prone to violence and conflicts. Thus, some believe that peace would prevail if we were governed by females leaders? To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
In recent years, it has been observed that Violence and conflicts are
very
Rephrase
more
show examples
 prone
when
Verb problem
to occur when
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
societies are led by men.
While
Linking Words
 some believe that peace would prevail if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
societies were governed by women leaders. I strongly believe that peace
come
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
show examples
 hand-in-hand when female leaders lead the
society
Use synonyms
. The primary reason
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 support
this
Linking Words
 view is that women have the beauty of peace in them.
Linking Words
By
Change preposition
In
show examples
 contrast
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, Males are prone to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 more aggressive
while
Linking Words
 handling tasks like leading a
society
Use synonyms
. Scientists have discovered that females are born with
nature
Correct article usage
a nature
show examples
 like
calm
Correct article usage
a calm
show examples
 and emotional person.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, males have always been more prone to violence and conflicts
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, due
show examples
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which
it can be
Correct word order
can make it
show examples
 challenging for them to control a
society
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, men are
more brave
Replace the word
braver
 compared to women.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they can make quick decisions.
Whereas
Linking Words
 female leaders
feel
Verb problem
find it
show examples
 tough to do so. In conclusion, both views have valid points.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that males should lead the
society
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 with more control
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 their
angre
Correct your spelling
anger
issues
Add a comma
issues,
show examples
 they could be the best people to control and manage the
society
Use synonyms
 in the best manner possible. Because the only thing which is holding them back is the aggressiveness they have in them
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 if they learn to
ellabrorate
Correct your spelling
elaborate
 and understand the problem,
instead
Linking Words
 of becoming
angry
Punctuation problem
angry,
show examples
 it will be all good.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the main question in one clear way. Your essay says women bring peace, but the end says men should lead. This gives a mixed message.
task response
Add one or two real and clear examples to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Explain each main idea more. Some ideas are short and general, so they do not fully develop the answer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences for each body paragraph. This helps the reader follow your ideas step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences do not connect well, and this makes the essay harder to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear position from start to end. This will improve both the flow and the meaning of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
task response
You try to discuss both men and women as leaders, so you address the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is divided into paragraphs, which helps the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: