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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Providing a national system in a country where the unemployed receive a regular payment only encourages people not to seek work and puts an unreasonable strain on a country's financial resources. Discuss this statement and give your opinion.

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In the modern world, it is undeniable that many governments provide financial
support
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 to unemployed
individuals
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 through national welfare
systems
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. Some
people
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 believe that
such
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 payments discourage
people
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 from seeking employment and place a heavy burden on public finances,
while
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 others argue that they are necessary for social stability. In
this
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 essay, an attempt will be made to examine both perspectives. Those who
support
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 the idea that
unemployment
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 benefits create negative consequences provide some reasons to justify their view. One of the most apparent concerns is that regular financial
support
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 may reduce motivation to find work. To illustrate,
individuals
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 who receive sufficient payments may feel less pressure to actively search for employment.
For instance
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, some
people
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 may rely on government assistance for long periods, which can lead to dependency and reduced productivity.
In addition
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, maintaining
such
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systems
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 can require significant public funding, which may strain government budgets and limit resources for other essential services. Those who disagree with the above idea
also
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 have some points that should not be overlooked. One major reason is that financial
support
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 is essential for protecting
individuals
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 during periods of
unemployment
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. To clarify, unexpected job loss can occur
due to
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 economic downturns or personal circumstances, and without assistance,
individuals
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 may struggle to meet basic needs.
For example
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,
unemployment
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 benefits can prevent poverty, maintain social stability, and allow
people
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 time to find suitable employment rather than accepting low-quality jobs immediately.
This
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 suggests that
such
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systems
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 play an important role in supporting society. To recapitulate, it is evident that
unemployment
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 benefits may reduce work incentives and create financial pressure on governments,
while
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 they
also
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 provide essential
support
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 and stability for
individuals
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. Having considered both sides thoroughly, I have personally come to believe that
such
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systems
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 are necessary, but they should be carefully managed with conditions that encourage
people
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 to return to work as soon as possible.

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task response
For task response, your answer covers both sides and gives your opinion. To get a higher score, make your opinion stronger and show it more clearly in the main body, not only at the end.
task response
For task response, your ideas are clear, but some points are general. Add more exact support, such as one clear real-life case or a more direct result of long-term welfare use.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear 4-part structure with good paragraphing. This helps the reader follow your ideas easily.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, linking words are used well, but some are a bit formal or repeated. Try to vary them in a more natural way.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some example parts are a little broad. Make each main point follow one simple line: point, explain, example, result.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and discuss both views before giving your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly sets up the topic, and your conclusion gives a clear final view.
coherence cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the essay is easy to read.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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