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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve.

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There is
growing
Correct article usage
a growing
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 debate about
competitive
Correct article usage
the competitive
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environment
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.
While
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 some people believe that schools are too competitive and that has a negative impact on youngsters, others argue
that is
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 the good
environment
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 encourage childreen to fulfil their
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
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. In my opinion,
although
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competition
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 has some drawbacks, I believe that it is beneficial for
children
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's development. There
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a number of reasons why some individuals think that schools are too competitive and it has
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 impact on
children
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. First and foremost, excessive
competition
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 can create stress and pressure among
students
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.
This
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because
Verb problem
is because
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children
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 feel worried about their
performence
Correct your spelling
performance
 and fear of failure.
For example
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,
according to
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 a recent report from the Sunlight newspaper, many experts believe that highly competitive school environments increase stress and anxiety among
students
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.
As a result
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,
this
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 can negatively affect
students
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’ mental health. Another important reason is
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competition
Correct word choice
that competition
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 can reduce cooperation among
students
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.
This
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 means youngsters mainly focus on their own
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
 rather than helping others.
Therefore
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, it create a unhealthy
environment
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 in school.
On the other hand
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, there are several reasons why
competition
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 can be beneficial. One major advantage is that it motivates
students
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 to work harder and achieve better results.
This
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 is because
children
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 want to perform well compared to others.
For example
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,
students
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 often study more seriously when they are aware of
competition
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 in exams.
As a result
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, they can improve their academic performance. In conclusion,
although
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 too much
competition
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 can create stress and reduce cooperation, I believe that a balanced competitive
environment
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 is beneficial because it motivates
students
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 to achieve their goals.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You explain the bad side well, but the good side needs one more main point.
task response
Make your ideas more clear with better sentence form. Some parts are hard to follow because of grammar mistakes.
task response
Use a more real and direct example. The newspaper example is a bit weak and not fully explained.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few sentences feel separate, not fully joined.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with a fuller reason or result so the paragraph feels stronger.
task response
You answer both views and give your own opinion clearly.
task response
The essay stays on the topic from start to end.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are clear, and the order of ideas is easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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