IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others, however, say that life for the elderly nowadays is much better than it was in the past. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
Some consider that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it is worsening day-by day to live in
this
Linking Words
 cutting-edge world,
while
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 I agree with individuals
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who believe it is becoming more and more convenient for the ageing population
due to
Linking Words
 modern medicine and high-tech facilities. Despite these factors, depending on someone and struggling to use modern devices can always feel frustrating. On the one hand, in
this
Linking Words
 fast-developing world, living as an old person is difficult, because of dependence and possible difficulties
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that they may face. One primary reason is definitely dependency. As they get older, they start to struggle to perform daily activities
such
Linking Words
 as sitting, moving around or standing for a
while
Linking Words
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can not complete tasks without
custody
Correct article usage
the custody
show examples
 of their family members or other relatives, leading to caregiver burden and limited options to act.
In addition
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 some modern technologies reduce complexity, they find it difficult to use these types of digital devices, since
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 their lifestyle was completely different in the past
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they are naturally prone to
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
show examples
 in touch with nature,
instead
Linking Words
 of skyscrapers.Compared to the past, individuals heavily relied on automation, being aware of updated news with the assistance of phones, which substituted physical newspapers. Based on a real example, I would mention that even children have a better experience in utilising these modern tools than old population.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, compared to the past, modern medicine and mechanics reduce the burden of the ageing population. As people age, they are more likely to suffer illnesses rapidly, impacting considerably negative to their immune system and
overall
Linking Words
 well-being.
However
Linking Words
, updated technologies allow doctors to detect and treat life-threatening diseases more effectively.
According to
Linking Words
 statistics, 45% of old patients overcame their illnesses with the assistance of automation.
Moreover
Linking Words
, currently, there are wide range of specialised sanatoriums for elderly people, helping them by providing regular medical care and a calm place to recover. They
also
Linking Words
 improve health through nutritious food, therapy, and social activities. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 ageing in the modern world brings some difficulties ,
such
Linking Words
 as dependence and technological challenges, modern medicine and facilities have greatly improved elderly people’s lives.
Overall
Linking Words
, the benefits of better healthcare and support systems outweigh the drawbacks.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
For task response: answer both views in a more even way. Your own opinion is clear, but give a little more detail for the first view too.
task response
For task response: use examples that feel more real and clear. The part about 45% is not explained, so it does not sound fully strong.
task response
For task response: some ideas are good, but a few are too general. Add one clear example for each main point.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your essay has a clear intro, body, and conclusion, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: some sentences are too long, so the meaning is harder to follow. Make them shorter.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: linking words are used, but sometimes there are too many commas or the links feel forced. Use simple links like 'also', 'for example', and 'however'.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: keep one main idea in each sentence and one main point in each paragraph.
task response
You discussed both sides of the question and gave your own opinion.
task response
Your opinion is clear in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear paragraph plan.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas follow a logical order from one paragraph to the next.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • elderly
  • modern world
  • decline
  • physical
  • mental health
  • diseases
  • disabilities
  • social isolation
  • loneliness
  • access
  • healthcare
  • medications
  • lifelong learning
  • personal growth
  • social support
  • community engagement
  • positive aspects
  • negative aspects
What to do next:
Look at other essays: