IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays shopping has become a new favorite pastime for young people. What are the reasons for this? should they be encouraged to develop other hobbies?

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The
tecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
 development is
one
Use synonyms
 of the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
main
responsible
Replace the word
reasons
 for the
exponencial
Correct your spelling
exponential
 increase in online shopping. Many teenagers
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 shopping as
one
Use synonyms
 of their biggest
hobbies
Use synonyms
, and
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 easier way to feed
this
Linking Words
 necessity is using internet stores. And, in my opinion, they should use their
time
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 other types of healthier
hobbies
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the principal reason for
this
Linking Words
 type of addiction is the dopamine that the person
receive
Correct subject-verb agreement
receives
show examples
 after he buys something. Normally, when someone waste many
time
Use synonyms
 and money acquiring useless objects, it's considered a case of addiction.
This
Linking Words
 happens because the happiness caused by the dopamine affects the brain and influences him to
stay
Verb problem
keep
show examples
 buying and receiving pleasure. And, the
ascencion
Correct your spelling
ascension
 of
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 has
beeing
Correct your spelling
been
 responsible for making buying easier and creating
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the reason why young people consider shopping as their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 pastime is the pleasure and the fact that many of them don't work, so they use only their
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 money.
Additionaly
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, wasting
time
Use synonyms
 with shopping isn't the best way to invest in their future. Youth is the period of life
that
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 people have more
time
Use synonyms
 to study and earn money, so
using
Verb problem
spending
show examples
 much
time
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 useless
hobbies
Use synonyms
, like shopping, is
one
Use synonyms
 of the worst
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 a young person could do. Developing more practical pastimes like reading and making exercises would be much better, because
the study
Replace the word
studying
 is
one
Use synonyms
 of the best ways to improve
the
Correct article usage
your
show examples
 career,
while
Linking Words
 making exercises can increase your life expectancy.
Hence
Linking Words
, learning
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
hobbies
Use synonyms
 is very important, and everyone who
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to develop
thei lifes
Correct your spelling
their lives
 should try it. In conclusion, spending
time
Use synonyms
 buying things is very common for young people, but it is not the most relevant way of investing
time
Use synonyms
.
The online
Correct determiner usage
Online
show examples
 shopping gives much dopamine, but there
also
Linking Words
 exist some
beneficial
Punctuation problem
beneficial,
show examples
 pleasurable
hobbies
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why young people like shopping, but the part about other hobbies needs a bit more support.
task response
Give one or two clear real life examples to make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some are good, but a few sentences feel too long or not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make pronouns clear. For example, be careful with words like he, him, it, and this.
task response
You answer both questions and give your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas are easy to follow in most parts.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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