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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people have decided to reduce the number of times they fly every year or to stop flying altogether. Do you think the environmental benefits of this development outweigh the disadvantages for individuals and businesses?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that frequent
flight
Use synonyms
times
Use synonyms
 became a severe threat to
environments
Check wording
the environment
show examples
, so they have to reduce the number of
flight
Use synonyms
times
Use synonyms
 or to stop flying altogether
weighing
Punctuation problem
, weighing
show examples
 the environmental
benefits
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 I accept that
people
Use synonyms
 have
responsibility
Correct article usage
a responsibility
show examples
 to save and preserve
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I believe that
flight
Use synonyms
times
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
should be
show examples
 retained. On the one hand, it is true that frequent flies affect negatively
on environments
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, there are numerous problems
such
Linking Words
 as wild
animal's
Check wording
animals'
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 habitat
losing
Replace the word
loss
due to
Linking Words
 the construction of
airport
Correct article usage
an airport
show examples
 or noise pollution, tremendous oil consumption,
Co2 emitting
Replace the word
CO2 emissions
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
. In terms of environmental effect,
flight
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times
Use synonyms
make
Verb problem
have
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 only
harmful
Correct article usage
a harmful
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 result to ecological status
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
are
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 need to be decreased.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, flying
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 lots of
benefits
Use synonyms
 to daily life. Not only
for
Verb problem
do
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who have
own
Correct determiner usage
their own
show examples
 business
, but
Verb problem
benefit from flight transport, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
 ordinary
people
Use synonyms
 get
benefits
Use synonyms
 from
flight
Use synonyms
 transport.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
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 can enjoy having imported groceries in their country, studying abroad,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
, and operating business for all around the world. Nowadays, It became more and more
global related
Replace the word
globalised
 world
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 if someone
decide
Correct subject-verb agreement
decides
show examples
 to decrease
flight
Use synonyms
 time, all convenient life will
be disappeared at all
Wrong verb form
disappear
show examples
. In pandemic season,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 regulated immigration, it made terrible outcomes. Some
people
Use synonyms
 couldn't get to their
working place
Correct your spelling
workplace
, because all flying was stopped, so
even
Rephrase
apply
show examples
they lost their jobs. In
this
Linking Words
 case, thoughts for outweighing environmental
benefits
Use synonyms
 are risky to
people
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, there are several drawbacks of frequent
Use synonyms
flight
Replace the word
flying
, but I am convinced that reducing the number of
flight
Use synonyms
times
Use synonyms
 or
to stop
Wrong verb form
stopping
show examples
 flying altogether
makes
Verb problem
has
show examples
 severe
side-effects
Correct your spelling
side effects
 on all around the world.
Therefore
Linking Words
, balancing between
flight
Use synonyms
times
Use synonyms
 and
tries
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to preserve environments is needed to mitigate the environmental problems. It is good that governments and
flight
Use synonyms
 company altogether try to find other effective ways to reduce the environmental pollution
due to
Linking Words
 operating flights.

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task response
Answer the main question more directly. Say clearly why the good points for the environment do not beat the bad points for people and business.
task response
Add one or two more clear ideas about business. This will make your answer more full.
task response
Use examples that fit the question in a more exact way. The pandemic example is useful, but connect it more clearly to flights, people, and business.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear plan: main idea, reason, example, result.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, like 'first', 'for example', 'however', and 'therefore'. This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice. Use shorter and simpler sentences to make the meaning clear.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your opinion.
task response
You include examples from real life, like travel, study, and the pandemic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reduce
  • benefits
  • environment
  • pollution
  • travel
  • businesses
  • individuals
  • challenges
  • meetings
  • connections
  • effort
  • manage
  • remotely
  • money
  • stress
  • local
  • culture
  • discovering
  • innovative
  • technology
  • ways
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