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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, people tend to wear western style clothes rather than traditional clothes. What are the reasons? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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We live in an age where people prefer to wear western
style
Use synonyms
 apparels than traditional
apparels
Check wording
apparel
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. These
phenomenons
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phenomena
 were
taken place
Verb problem
caused
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 by several factors, I am of the opinion that these problems have developed
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society in a negative way. The main issue with individuals follow western
style
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 is that
globalization
Change the spelling
globalisation
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 poses
a serious
Remove the redundancy
apply
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a serious threat to the survival of traditional cultures
as well as
Linking Words
 local identities.
Due to
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globalization
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globalisation
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, individuals can communicate with foreigners much more easily
compared to
Correct word choice
than in
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 the past. On
the
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apply
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top of that, social
media
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 and
media
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 exposure
make users be exposed
Correct word order
expose users
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 to the
western
Fix capitalization
Western
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style
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, as younger generations
increasing
Rephrase
increasingly
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 adopt internationally
standardized
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standardised
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 styles at the expense of cultural heritage.
As a consequence
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,
long preserved
Correct your spelling
long-preserved
 heritage or heirlooms can disappear in the
coming
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near
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 future.
Nevertheless
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, I firmly believe that the growing number of people following the western
style
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 is having an
overall
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 negative effect because
this
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 syndrome
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them lose their local costumes
as well as
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 cultures.
For example
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, many local residents make a living by activating tourism, including experiencing ancient
ancestor's
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ancestors'
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 clothing or visiting historical sites used to
manufacturing
Wrong verb form
manufacture
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 the apparel. If they wear
western
Fix capitalization
Western
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 costumes, they might lose their identities and be unemployed in the future.
In addition
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, wearing traditional apparels have a sentimental value. Especially when they meet families or hold
event
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events
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 during the holidays, wearing traditional costumes
help
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helps
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 them feel
stay
Verb problem
apply
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connected and build a strong relationship with
the
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apply
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society members. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 social
media
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,
media
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 exposure, and globalization playing a critical role in spreading the western
style
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 clothing through the local community.
As a consequence
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,
this
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 influenced the local society
as well as
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 individuals in
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 way by losing their identities and business models.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Give clear reasons and then say why you think it is negative.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Some ideas are good, but they need more explanation.
task response
Use one clear example with simple details. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer. Start each body paragraph with one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea. Try to add a new point in each paragraph.
task response
You answered the question and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You stayed on the topic in most parts of the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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