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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

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The pie chart illustrates the proportion of the time spent on doing different
activities
Use synonyms
, namely sleeping, travelling to
work
Use synonyms
, working, relaxing at
home
Use synonyms
, going out and other hobbies, in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, sleeping and working constituted the bulk of the share in both years
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 relaxing at
home
Use synonyms
, going out
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 other
activities
Use synonyms
 represented the
miniority
Correct your spelling
minority
.
Initially
Linking Words
, in 1958, there was a marked preference for working, which accounted for 33% of the time, followed closely by sleeping at 32%. In 1958, 19% of people preferred going out with friends/family
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 8% and 6% proportion of
individual
Check wording
individuals
show examples
 preferred relaxing at
home
Use synonyms
 and doing other
activities
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as hobbies and playing sports. In 1958, travelling to
work
Use synonyms
 represented the
miniority
Correct your spelling
minority
, accounting for 2%. Afterwards, in 2008, the percentage of sleeping increased moderately at 42%,
following
Wrong verb form
followed
show examples
 by travelling to
work
Use synonyms
, accounting for 25%. The percentage of spending time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
relaxing at
home
Use synonyms
 had
rose
Wrong verb form
risen
show examples
 steadily, accounting for 13%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, travelling to
work
Use synonyms
 witnessed a significant increase by 6%
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 going out declined dramatically by 13%, representing the
last
Linking Words
 place with other
activities
Use synonyms
, accounting for the equal percentage of 6%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words activities, work, home with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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