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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that family is the most powerful influence of a child's development while others thing other factors such as friends, television and music have better influence. Discuss both of views and give your opinion

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In
this
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 contemporary world, some advocates claim that
people
Use synonyms
 are influenced by their family the most at an early age,
while
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 others believe that other factors
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such
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, such
show examples
 as their friends or social media, have stronger powers to build their mindsets. In
this
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 essay, I will explain both opinions and prove my point of view. On the one hand, some
people
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 express that family are the most influential person. It is because
that
Correct word choice
apply
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people
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 at
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age spend hours with them. In general, the younger
people
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 are, the more easily they
could
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can
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 obtain information.
As a result
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, it makes sense that children imitate
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 families' behaviours and have similar perspectives to them.
Moreover
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, individuals tend to depend on
thier
Correct your spelling
their
parents
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.
Also
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, it is common that they are convinced
what
Correct word choice
that what
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 their
parents
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 believe and say
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 definitely correct. It is quite difficult for them to have other opinions in their daily lives.
On the other hand
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, others think that other
enviroments
Correct your spelling
environments
 make who they are. One reason for
this
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 is that they can share their opinions with their intimate persons like friends.
In addition
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, they
also
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 spend much time with each other after entering
schools
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school
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. Another reason is
that
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apply
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the development of social media. These days,
worker
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workers
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 are busier than before
,
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;
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therefore
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, adults usually provide their kids with
smartphone
Correct article usage
a smartphone
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 and make them watch enjoyable video especially on YouTube, which helps
parents
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 relax.
To sum up
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,
although
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 both views should be considered, I am convinced that
parents
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 are the biggest factor
of making
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in shaping
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 children's personalities for the above reasons.

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task response
For task response, answer both sides in a more full way. Your opinion is clear, but each side needs a bit more detail.
task response
For task response, add one real and clear example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion. This is good.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some ideas do not connect in a smooth way. Use simple linking words like first, also, for example, and because.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make each paragraph stay on one main idea and explain it fully before you move on.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your own opinion. This matches the task well.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
The essay order is clear: intro, one side, other side, and end.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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