IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think the government founding should not be used for supporting art and culture, others think supporting cultural activities may be beneficial for the population anf the culture. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

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Some people think that the
government
Use synonyms
's money should not be spent
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 developments in arts and
Use synonyms
culture
Punctuation problem
culture,
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while
Linking Words
 others suggest supporting cultural events may be helpful for societal order and cultural awareness. I firmly believe that the
government
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's expenditure on
art
Use synonyms
 and
culture
Use synonyms
 is essential to boost intellectual perspective and create a cultural heritage. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both views and share my own statement
according to
Linking Words
 reasonable assumptions. On the one hand, it is crucial for
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to support cultural events, in order to create a cultural root among people.
Thus
Linking Words
, individuals can unite under an intellectual perspective
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
 may establish a refined and collective ecosystem.
Moreover
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, there are several outcomes of supporting
art
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 and
culture
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, namely increasing knowledge about cultural heritage, learning more about
art
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 history, and understanding people's own characteristics
due to
Linking Words
 cultural literacy. In the USA,
for example
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, states which support cultural events had greater attendance rates in
art
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 galleries and museums,
as a result
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 of gaining awareness among
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 about cognitive engagement.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is redundant to invest in cultural activities.
Instead
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, there are more important sectors to support,
such
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 as finance and health.
Hence
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,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 may mitigate key problems like employment and inflation rates rather than expenditure on arts and
culture
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.
According to
Linking Words
 a study held in 2023, countries which invested in cultural activities had more
economical
Replace the word
economic
 problems, leading to societal chaos in the long-term. To recapitulate, there are advantages for
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to invest in intellectual activities, namely increasing multi-layered thinking and aesthetic appreciation,
while
Linking Words
 there are
also
Linking Words
 several disadvantages
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of investments in profound sectors like health, economy and finance. If we take everything into account, I suggest that spending on
art
Use synonyms
 and
culture
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 must be an indispensable part of the
government
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's duties. Creative expression is indispensable for human development
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it is interlinked with social order.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is clear, but the side against art needs a bit more detail.
task response
Use examples that feel more real and more direct. The USA example is helpful, but it is too general.
task response
Explain your main ideas more simply and clearly. Some lines sound good, but the meaning is not always easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape: intro, one side, other side, end. This helps the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words are used well in many places, like On the one hand, Moreover, and To recapitulate. But do not use too many formal linkers.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long, so the flow becomes weak. Split long ideas into two shorter sentences.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, so the essay is easy to follow.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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