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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

As compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computures and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution.

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In today's world, there are a lot of
children
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 who spend their free
time
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 with a computer and other technological devices at home rather than outdoor activities, as compared to the past.
However
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, from my perspective, there are some significant factors which affects childs prefer stay at home, and
this
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 issue should be prevented with several solutions.
To begin
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 with, the main reason for
children
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
spend their leisure
time
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 indoors. With the development of technology, more and more
children
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 are addicted to using technological devices.
This
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 situation affects their leisure
time
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 and their activities.
For instance
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, nearly 20 years ago,
children
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 generally spent their free
time
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 with their family or friends. They preferred to hang out or do outdoor activities.
However
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, nowadays,
children
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 prefer to stay at home and play several video games with their online friends. They can communicate
while
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 playing games with some applications,
such
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 as Discord and Zoom.
As a result
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, with the proliferation of digital applications,
children
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 are becoming addicted and wasting their
time
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 with computers and other devices.
Whereas
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, the issue of
children
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 spending free
time
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 indoors can be resolved by taking
diffrences
Correct your spelling
different
 precautions. First of all, the video games and some applications which are playing a crucial role in addiction should be restricted for young people and
children
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.
This
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 solution is an effective way to eliminate wasting
time
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 on the internet.
To sum up
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,
it is clear that
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 the figures for
children
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 who spend their leisure
time
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 indoors are increasing.
Additionally
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, I strongly claim that
this
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 problem can be solved with preventive measures.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. You talk a lot about why children stay inside, but the task asks for problems caused by less outdoor time and at least one solution.
task response
Write more about the problems. For example, children may become less healthy, gain weight, have weak social skills, or feel stress.
task response
Give one or two clear examples for the problems and the solution. This will make your ideas stronger and more full.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start and end, but the body ideas do not always match the task. Keep each paragraph focused on one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some words like 'However' and 'Whereas' are not used well here. Try simple links like 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', and 'To solve this'.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word form mistakes. Shorter and simpler sentences will help your meaning stay clear.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion, so the essay has a basic full shape.
task response
You stay on the general topic of children, free time, and technology.
task response
You give one solution about limiting games and apps, which answers part of the question.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • mental health
  • nature deficit disorder
  • posture
  • teamwork
  • structured activities
  • community engagement
  • physical fitness
  • exposure to nature
  • environmental conservation
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