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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do ou agree or disagree with this statement ?

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In
this
Linking Words
 modern era, it is undeniable that
education
Use synonyms
 plays an important role in every individual’s life. Some people believe that financial
education
Use synonyms
 must be
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 part of every school
program
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue that
studies
Use synonyms
 related to
finance
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 entirely necessary in every
Use synonyms
education
Replace the word
educational
 institute. In schools,
Use synonyms
finance related
Correct your spelling
finance-related
studies
Use synonyms
 should be included in every
program
Use synonyms
. The most apparent reason for
this
Linking Words
 study in school is that
student
Check wording
students
show examples
 can be able to understand the
Use synonyms
money related
Correct your spelling
money-related
 problems in business. To illustrate,
students
Use synonyms
 will
able
Verb problem
be able
show examples
 to manage their
money
Use synonyms
 easily when they have to open their own business in future.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
recent
Correct article usage
a recent
show examples
 survey, 80% of successful
people’s
Check wording
people
show examples
 have
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
finance
Use synonyms
 because they started learning about
this
Linking Words
subject
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 in early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 in
schools
Check wording
school
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
finance
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studies
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 will help
students
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 to give new ideas about
to manage
Wrong verb form
managing
show examples
 their income from jobs in future. Some people
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
disagree
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 belief
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 should not be overlooked. One of the major
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 is that
finance
Use synonyms
studies
Use synonyms
 can make
students
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 more greedy in early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. To clarify, in early age
by
Punctuation problem
, by
show examples
 understanding the value of
money
Use synonyms
,
students
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 will want to make
money
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 by even doing illegal things.
For example
Linking Words
, one of our
neighbor’s child
Fix the agreement mistake
neighbours’ children
show examples
 is studying
this
Linking Words
subject
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 in his
program
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, and he
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 to make instant
money
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 to become successful because of
influence
Correct article usage
the influence
show examples
 of that
subject
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
finance
Use synonyms
studies
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 are very hard
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 will give more stress to
students
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 in early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. To recapitulate,
this
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 essay argued that
finance
Use synonyms
 related
subject
Use synonyms
 should be included in every school
program
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 because
this
Linking Words
 will teach children
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how to manage
money
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 in early age.
As per
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my opinion,
finance
Use synonyms
education
Use synonyms
 should be learned by
students
Use synonyms
 in schools.

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task response
Answer the question more clearly. Say early that you fully agree, partly agree, or disagree.
task response
Give one clear main idea in each body paragraph, then explain it more.
task response
Use examples that sound real and general, not only one neighbor or one survey with no source.
task response
Keep your position the same. In paragraph 2 you agree, but paragraph 3 gives the other side too much space.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer so the reader can follow your plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Some ideas repeat, so group similar points together.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each point with a clear reason and one short example.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear ending.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic, which shows you understand the issue.
task response
Your essay stays on the topic of financial education in school.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphing is clear, with one main area in each paragraph.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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