IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time job while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages ?

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In a
lot
Use synonyms
 of countries the teenagers start working
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
part-time
job
Use synonyms
 from young age. There
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 and disadvantages . In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 I think it's a bad idea to start working in school life
we
Punctuation problem
. We
show examples
 will
say
Verb problem
discuss
show examples
 the
advantage
Check wording
advantages
show examples
 and
disadvantage
Check wording
disadvantages
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 way. At
present
Punctuation problem
present,
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of students
working
Verb problem
are working
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for
Use synonyms
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
there
Punctuation problem
; there
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they will lose a
lot
Use synonyms
 of marks because they don'
t
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 have time for studying
for example
Linking Words
, someone doesn'
t
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 and someone
work
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 the person who doesn'
t
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 will have time to study well and prepare for any exam or a quiz
while
Linking Words
 in the other hand the person who working in part-time
job
Use synonyms
 will not has time to study because he will be tired after come back to home.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 many
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 to working
in
Change preposition
a
show examples
 part-time
job
Use synonyms
. Most importantly, the
persons
Check wording
people
show examples
 who
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 in a
job
Use synonyms
maybe they
Verb problem
may
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 help their family . A
lot
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 of parents don'
t
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 have any
job
Use synonyms
nowadays
Punctuation problem
nowadays,
show examples
 they can'
t
Use synonyms
 let
them
Correct determiner usage
their
show examples
 children eat or study for
this
Linking Words
. Maybe the student
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to
work
Use synonyms
 in
part-time
Correct article usage
a part-time
show examples
job
Use synonyms
 to help them families. In conclusion, my opinion about
this
Linking Words
 big problem is
it's
Correct word choice
that it's
show examples
 about way for the students in them lifestyle
while
Linking Words
it's
Verb problem
it
show examples
 will help them in their career life if they put it in the CV when
the application
Replace the word
applying
 for any
job
Use synonyms
 after university life

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task response
Answer the main question more clearly. You say it is a bad idea, but later you say it can help in career life. Choose one clear side and keep it to the end.
task response
Add a stronger example for each main point. For example, say what kind of job, how many hours, and how school work is affected.
task response
Explain your ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they are short and not well developed.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer essay plan: introduction, one paragraph for disadvantages, one paragraph for advantages, and a conclusion with your final answer.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence easier to follow. Some sentences are very long and mixed, so the meaning is not always clear.
task response
You talk about both advantages and disadvantages, so you address the topic.
task response
You give a real-life example about study time and exam preparation.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words such as firstly, most importantly, and in conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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