IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result in many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and the healthcare costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

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Its
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It's
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 really concerning for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society when
the number of
Check wording
apply
show examples
young
kids
Use synonyms
 are
being
Wrong verb form
apply
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suffering from obesity.
Its
Use the right word
It's
show examples
 becoming common to see children suffering from various health issues
due to
Linking Words
 their eating
habit
Check wording
habits
show examples
 and lifestyle. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss some major reasons behind
this
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and how it can be solved.  First and
formost
Correct your spelling
foremost
,
lets
Correct your spelling
let's
 talk about the change in lifestyle over the
last
Linking Words
 two decades
due to
Linking Words
techonology
Correct your spelling
technology
 and consumption of
food
Use synonyms
. Despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
various advantages, innovation brings inactivity among the people. It
ease
Correct subject-verb agreement
eases
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 the way of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life and
much
Verb problem
requires much
show examples
 less
efforts
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effort
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 to do the daily tasks.
For example
Linking Words
, a person
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 not need to leave the house for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
Use synonyms
. In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 they can order
instantly their favourite
Correct word order
their favourite food instantly
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 online on a phone. Another example is ease in
communiocation
Correct your spelling
communication
,
kids
Use synonyms
 were being constrained to go
outsite
Correct your spelling
outside
 to see their
freinds yo
Correct your spelling
friends to
 play outdoor games. But these days, they can stay
on
Change preposition
in
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 touch via different application in the cell phones and prefer to play online games.
This
Linking Words
 promotes
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of activity among
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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 leads to
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
. Another major issue is
change
Correct article usage
a change
show examples
 in eating habits.
Kids
Use synonyms
 should not be blamed for the consumption of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 because most of the
eatables
Check wording
food
show examples
 in the market
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 way low in standards to serve
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them. Even vegetables and fruits are being treated artificially to increase
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 shelf lives. On top of it, parents prefer quick meals for themselves and their children to save time in
this
Linking Words
 busy and fast pased enviroment
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not good for
the
Correct article usage
their
show examples
 health. There could be many things that can be done to prevent or slow down
this
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 problem among youngsters.
This
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 can be prevented with the
combine
Replace the word
combined
 efforts of parents and the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 as well.
Prenents
Correct your spelling
Parents
 should
limited
Wrong verb form
limit
show examples
 the time
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
involved
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 with their mobile phones and other electronic gadgets and encourage them to play outdoor games.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, goverment should ban or
limitise
Correct your spelling
limit
 the
ultra processed
Correct your spelling
ultra-processed
food
Use synonyms
 that are
articially
Correct your spelling
artificially
 treated for its longetvity. They should establish new
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 parks and
sports
Use synonyms
 complex to promote
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 active lifestyle.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 gernation are precious for the nation and
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
show examples
 everybody's responsibility to give them a envrionment that helps in developing
mind
Correct determiner usage
their mind
show examples
 and body. They should not be stressed for their academics to
gave
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 up on their
sports
Use synonyms
 activities. In the end, by just fixing eating habits
annd
Correct your spelling
and
 promoting
Use synonyms
sports
Punctuation problem
sports,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem can be minimised.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why children are overweight and give some ways to fix it, but some ideas need more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. Start each paragraph with one clear point, then explain it.
task response
Give more direct examples. Your examples about phones and food delivery are helpful, but they can be more specific.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, so, and finally. Some sentences are hard to follow now.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because errors sometimes make your meaning less clear.
task response
You answered both questions in the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use real ideas about screen time, fast food, parents, and government.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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