IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertainment and ecological important. Discuss both views

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There are lots of
zoos
Use synonyms
 being
operation
Wrong verb form
operated
show examples
 all around the world, and lots of people visit
zoos
Use synonyms
 with children.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 some people think
animals
Use synonyms
being detention
Verb problem
apply
show examples
is not
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 thing,
while
Linking Words
 others
agreed
Wrong verb form
agree
show examples
. So
this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both views
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
i'm not agreeing
Wrong verb form
I don't agree
show examples
 to keep
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
.
Initially
Linking Words
,there are
couple
Correct article usage
a couple
show examples
 of reasons to oppose
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
show examples
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
, mainly it would be damaged animal's wild life they used to
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
. And
also
Linking Words
 it's eliminating their freedom like
was
Correct pronoun usage
it was
show examples
 back in
wild
Correct article usage
the wild
show examples
. As an example, if we imagine that we would have to
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 in a cage for our whole life, it wouldn't be a nice thing
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that feeling certainly
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 feel to
animals
Use synonyms
 as well. In my point of view,
that is
Linking Words
 a selfish thing to
caged
Verb problem
keep caged
show examples
animals
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 entertain human
being
Check wording
beings
show examples
. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, keeping
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 would be a help for
animals
Use synonyms
 which are endangered. And
also
Linking Words
animals
Use synonyms
 that
adopted
Verb problem
were adopted
show examples
 at their younger age, because they did't have much experience in
wild life
Correct your spelling
wildlife
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they will get
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to
cage
Correct article usage
the cage
show examples
enironment
Correct your spelling
environment
. As an example, I have seen lots of
animals
Use synonyms
 which are they lost their parents, are being
adopting
Wrong verb form
adopted
show examples
 under
Use synonyms
zoos
Check wording
zoo
show examples
 protection.
Linking Words
Otherwise
Add a comma
Otherwise,
show examples
 they wouldn't have
get feed
Wrong verb form
got fed
show examples
 and would become victims of predators.
Considered
Wrong verb form
Considering
show examples
 these facts,
zoo
Correct article usage
the zoo
show examples
 is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 ideal place for those
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
animals
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
I'm
Verb problem
I
show examples
 strongly disagree to keep
animals
Use synonyms
 in
zoos
Use synonyms
 unless adopted or endangered
animals
Use synonyms
. As an alternative, govenment can improve and protect
santuaries
Correct your spelling
sanctuaries
 all around
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 people can
reach to them for
Correct word order
visit them to
show examples
 observe
animals
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. You talk more about your side, so the other side needs a bit more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea in each body part very clear at the start of the part.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words well, like first, also, however, for example, and in conclusion.
task response
Give one clear example for each side. Your examples are good ideas, but they need to be shorter and easier to follow.
task response
Keep your opinion the same and say it in a clear way. You do this, but some lines make it a little hard to follow.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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