IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some believe it is important for cities and towns to invest heavily in building large outdoor public spaces. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
It is undeniable that outdoor places are meaningful for society.
However
Linking Words
, there are many other options to invest money in than building an environment. The essay will discuss the
cons and pros
Correct word order
pros and cons
show examples
 of outdoor places and their ranking in modern life. First of all, enormous places which are going to be crowded are very significant. If people have no place to relax, they are going to be anxious and
tensed
Replace the word
tense
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 I would like to add
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that fresh air have good influence on
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
 organism. As an example,
there
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
research shows that only five minute walk regularly
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 already makes your mental state better.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 communication is
also
Linking Words
 a good source of happiness
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 it could make humanity more sensitive to each other. So entertainment is
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 weighty place to invest, since it
escalate
Correct subject-verb agreement
escalates
show examples
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 moods and senses.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 it is not the only field to investigate. There are many other aspects,
as
Change preposition
such as
show examples
 education, houses or food. These points are more essential,
besides
Linking Words
human
Check wording
humans
show examples
 can live without having some parks, but can'
t
Use synonyms
 if there
no
Verb problem
is no
show examples
 food or water.
Moreover
Linking Words
 new generation mostly
use
Correct subject-verb agreement
uses
show examples
 their smartphone to relax, neither go for a walk or play some games
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
. They are already too lazy to
go
Verb problem
get
show examples
 out of
theirs
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 beds. And as for the adults, they
either
Verb problem
are either
show examples
way
Rephrase
apply
show examples
too tired and have work to do,
else
Correct word choice
or else
show examples
 can'
t
Use synonyms
 get their kids to have a simple walk. So there
a
Verb problem
is a
show examples
chance that modern parks won'
t
Use synonyms
 be used. As a
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I can say that people
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 outdoor entertainment, but it shouldn'
t
Use synonyms
 be heavily investigated.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more clearly. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree in the introduction, and keep this same view in the whole essay.
task response
Give fuller main ideas. Some points are good, but they need more explanation so the reader can see why they matter.
task response
Use clearer examples. The walk example helps, but other ideas need real and direct examples.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences more direct. Start each body paragraph with one clear main point.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Some sentences jump fast from one idea to another, so use clear linking words and keep one focus in each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point step by step. Add one reason and one example before moving to the next idea.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic, so the reader can see the good and bad points.
coherence and cohesion
There is a clear introduction and a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has basic paragraphing, with one paragraph for each side.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: