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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages fir young people who decide to do this.

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that youth should take a break and spend some
time
Use synonyms
to do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 jobs and
explore
Wrong verb form
exploring
show examples
 different places between finishing high school and university studies. There are some drawbacks
that
Correct word choice
, as
show examples
 it is not a conservative approach and demands
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 span of
time
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, key advantages are
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 to discover new career paths.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine advantage and
disadvantage
Check wording
disadvantages
show examples
 of
concerned
Correct article usage
the concerned
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 policy. Investing
time
Use synonyms
 to explore new streams before starting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 many benefits. It provide clear outlook towards choosing the course, sometimes a profession looks interesting
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 books
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 in real
people
Use synonyms
 losses the interest in
them
Fix the agreement mistake
it
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
spending
Punctuation problem
, spending
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 in
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 develops
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
understanding.
For example
Linking Words
, on book pilot profession is full of glamour, but in
real
Replace the word
reality
 their schedules are so tight, they need to fly
in nights
Change preposition
at night
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, before pursuing
Correct article usage
a course
show examples
course
Punctuation problem
course,
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 individuals should advise to do entry jobs like
ramp-agent
Correct determiner usage
a ramp agent
show examples
 and
receptionist
Correct article usage
a receptionist
show examples
 to get the insights.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 approach is not defined, and
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 face
scarcity
Correct article usage
a scarcity
show examples
 of mentorship. At that
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 tend to be vulnerable and prone to influence by bad habits. Another disadvantage is that sometimes results are not as expected, because at that age majority of
people
Use synonyms
 do not have fully developed social skills, which made them difficult
to
Change preposition
for them to
show examples
 survive.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 if an individual travels to
different
Correct article usage
a different
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 destination for
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 or exploration, that tour
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 them
difficult
Correct article usage
a difficult
show examples
time
Use synonyms
, because they are not aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 how to interact with new
people
Use synonyms
 and build
the connection
Check wording
connections
show examples
. In conclusion, exploration gives
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to develop new skills
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 at the same
Use synonyms
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 it is not proven for all.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, rather
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 helping in
constructive
Correct article usage
a constructive
show examples
 way, it is putting more
people
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 risk.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more full way. You talk about good and bad points, but some ideas are short.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main ideas clearer. Use simple topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
task response
Support each main point with one clear example and explain it more.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Use easy linking words like first, also, however, for example, and in conclusion.
task response
Keep the focus on the question. Write about advantages and disadvantages for young people all the way through.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph unity. Some sentences are hard to follow because the idea changes too fast.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You discuss both advantages and disadvantages, so you answer the main task.
task response
You use an example about the pilot job, which helps support your point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a basic overall structure that the reader can follow.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gap year
  • adult life
  • become independent
  • manage money
  • real-world experience
  • career goal
  • make better choices
  • gain confidence
  • study habits
  • lose motivation
  • practical skills
  • communication skills
  • teamwork
  • problem solving
  • financial pressure
  • clear plan
  • waste time
  • return to study
  • future job
  • personal growth
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