IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some people believe that
vast
Correct article usage
the vast
show examples
 majority of
manufacturies
Correct your spelling
manufacturers
 have
products
Use synonyms
 with
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
, which may lead to
serioues
Correct your spelling
serious
health
Use synonyms
 issues.In order to
slove
Correct your spelling
solve
this
Linking Words
 problem
these
Punctuation problem
, these
show examples
 sugary
products
Use synonyms
 must be more pricey, to deacrese number of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consumers.
Body paragraph 1
I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view, as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 is the most risky item in our
food
Use synonyms
, the main reason for obesity and other related diseases.
Body paragraph 2
One important reason is that increase the prices for specific items that contain high
calories
Check wording
amounts
show examples
 of
sugars
Check wording
sugar
show examples
, which may lead to
decline
Correct article usage
a decline
show examples
 of consumation
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 these
products
Use synonyms
 are
threat
Correct article usage
a threat
show examples
our
Change preposition
to our
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 and physical activity as well.
Body paragraph 3
This
Linking Words
 allows people to think of suitable
alternative
Fix the agreement mistake
alternatives
show examples
 and to make
comparison
Check wording
comparisons
show examples
 between the sugary item and the healthy one with
no or
Rephrase
apply
show examples
less
sugar
Use synonyms
 to buy it.
Body paragraph 4
Consequently
Linking Words
, with
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 decrease
of the
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sugary foods,
may
Correct pronoun usage
it may
show examples
 force
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies
take
Verb problem
to take
show examples
off
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
products
Use synonyms
from
Change preposition
off
show examples
 the market.
Body paragraph 5
Another significant point is that with meaningful
campainge
Correct your spelling
campaigns
 about
this
Linking Words
 risk of sugary items, by
proffesional
Correct your spelling
professional
health
Use synonyms
 care
provider
Check wording
providers
show examples
, in order to increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
awerness
Correct your spelling
awareness
 and to gain full knowledge about the relationship between diseases and
over consumation
Correct your spelling
overconsumption
 of
sweet
Check wording
sweets
show examples
.
Body paragraph 6
In addition
Linking Words
, there are strong
relation
Replace the word
relationship
 between diebetic patient and high blood pressure
with
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 and fatty
Use synonyms
food
Check wording
foods
show examples
.
Body paragraph 7
Therefore
Linking Words
, with complete awareness of the risk and comprehensive understand about other ideal alternatives and healthy
opitions
Correct your spelling
options
,
sugar
Use synonyms
 foods and drinks will
diappear
Correct your spelling
disappear
.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I firmly agree that as much as the prices of healthy
food
Use synonyms
 are
cheaper
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
 than sugary
food
Use synonyms
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 of consumers will improve

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task response
Answer the question more fully. You agree, but you need to explain why this plan works better.
task response
Add one clear example, like a tax on soft drinks in one country.
task response
Make each main idea bigger with 2 or 3 linked sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, so, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Put the cause first, then the result.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic paragraph structure with an opening, body, and ending.
task response
Most ideas stay on the topic of sugar and health.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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