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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages

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Compared to the past,
children
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's free time activities nowadays have changed considerably because of new
technologies
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such
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 as laptops, phones,
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gadgets
Correct word choice
and gadgets
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. From my perspective,
this
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 trend has more disadvantages
rather
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apply
show examples
than benefits as anger issues.
 On the one hand, nowadays many
children
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occurs
Correct subject-verb agreement
experience
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 different diseases, namely nervousness, vision loss, overweight.
According to
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 the doctors,
technologies
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such
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 as
lappets
Correct your spelling
laptops
, phones and
gadgets
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 cause
that
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 issues. Because little people spend a lot of
not efficient
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inefficient
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 time on the telephone and they don’t want to reading book,
going
Wrong verb form
go
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 to
the
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apply
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school,
listening
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listen
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 to
lesson
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a lesson
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 or do different types of sports.
Moreover
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, some
children
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 become addicted to online games and social media, which can negatively affect their studies.
As a result
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, they become slaves to the
technologies
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.
As
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According to
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statistics
Punctuation problem
statistics,
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 are given that in countries that ban the use of
gadgets
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 by minors,
children
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 are happier and less irritable.
On the other hand
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,
while
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technologies
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has
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have
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 negative impacts on
children
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’s
life
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lives
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, it
also
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 has many positive aspects. First of all, if many
children
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 can use
right
Correct article usage
the right
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, their
life
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lives
show examples
 get easier. School’s tasks
do
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are
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 faster and
efficient
Rephrase
more efficient
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. It helps them learn new
thing
Check wording
things
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 easily through educational videos
and
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, and
show examples
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children’s
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children
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 broaden their horizons
, developed,
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.
show examples
In addition
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,
children
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 can improve their creativity by drawing
,
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and
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 making videos. In conclusion, technology has both positive and negative sides for
children
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.
Therefore
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, it should be used wisely and under parent’s control.29If the government give right and beneficial decision and
children
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 learn to use
technologies
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 effectively,
gadgets
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 will help
children
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 grow
further
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,
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; otherwise,
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otherwise
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 diseases and lazy youth will appear.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly why the bad points are stronger than the good points.
task response
Add one clear example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger and easier to trust.
task response
Explain your ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they stop too soon.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence follows the one before it in a smooth way. Some parts jump too fast.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You group similar ideas in the same paragraph.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • new technologies
  • children
  • free time
  • access
  • educational resources
  • information
  • development
  • key skills
  • enhancing
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • opportunity
  • connect
  • convenience
  • flexibility
  • lack
  • physical activity
  • potential
  • health issues
  • impact
  • social
  • emotional development
  • exposure
  • inappropriate content
  • addiction
  • dependency
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