IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Using computer every day can have more negatives than positive effects on young children. Do you agree or disagree?

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This
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 is a long term debate and has been going
for
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on for
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 a
while
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,
that
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about
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 whether
computers
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has
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have
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 more negative effects than positive effects on young
children
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. In the present
time
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time,
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 where technology holds priority
than
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over
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 other things and mostly everything has been digitalised
people
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, people
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 and
children
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 both
has
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have
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 to
use
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computer
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computers
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 in everyday
whether
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life, whether
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 it
work
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is work
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 or school.
Firstly
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, we will discuss
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disadvantages
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the disadvantages
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 of the computer and
than
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then
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 the advantages.
Firstly
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,
disadvantages
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.
Computer
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Computers
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 and any other digital device has both positive and negative effects on
children
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. Longterm
use
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 can cause many health problems
to
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in
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children
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and
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, and
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 they are prone to get worse, if not treated in time
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such
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, such
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 as
, backpain
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back pain,
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 which is the most common issue
with
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, with
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 eye strain caused by excessive
use
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 of screening,
this
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 causes strain and
damages
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damage
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 to the
retena
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retina
 and the developing brain of the
children
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. There are many other harmful content which can cause your
children
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 many problems without
parents
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parental
 observation. In
modern
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the modern
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age
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age,
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 everyone has to
use
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computers
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 and technologies
and
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, and
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children
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has
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have
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 to learn about
computers
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 and how they work to
competeb
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compete
 in the modern age.
Computers
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 help
children
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 understand all the knowledge in the world through
internet
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the internet
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which
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, which
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connectes
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connects
 you to the world and
knowlege
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knowledge
.
Children
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also
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 need
computers
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 to do their homework and assignments given by their teachers. Using
computers
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 helps
children
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 to grow
and
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, and
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 it increases
to
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their
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 minds to explore and ask questions
which
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, which
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 helps their knowledge to grow. Conclusion, parents always need to keep
check
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a check
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 and balance on what their child is doing using
computers
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 and help them so
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children
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that children
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 do not feel burdened.
Computers
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 sure has its advantages and
disadvantages
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but
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apply
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,
in
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but in
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 today's
era
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era,
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 it has more advantages
and
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, and
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 the
disadvantages
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 can be minimised by time
managment
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management
.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first paragraph. Say if you agree or disagree, and keep this same view to the end.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are too general and need more detail.
task response
Add one or two clear examples to support your ideas, like a real school use or a health problem from too much screen time.
coherence cohesion
Use a clearer paragraph plan. One paragraph for bad points, one paragraph for good points, and one clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way. Use words like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each sentence connects well to the next one. Some parts repeat the same idea.
task response
You wrote about both sides of the topic, so your essay covers the main issue.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Your main idea is easy to understand: computers have both good and bad effects.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • real play
  • face-to-face talk
  • grow well
  • learning app
  • school work
  • sleep problem
  • too much use
  • useful tool
  • clear rules
  • outdoor play
  • social skills
What to do next:
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