IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many parts of the world, women study science and technology, but do not work in these fields. What measures can be taken to encourage women to work in science and technology.

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Introduction
Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
women in several
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 around the world are majoring in science and technology
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
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 not many of them
work
Use synonyms
 in these
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
. I think
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it is because they do not have
an
Correct article usage
as many
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 adequate
job
Use synonyms
opportunity as much
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 as
Use synonyms
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 in
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
fields
Use synonyms
. But,
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 issues can be tackled by the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 taking roles to make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
job
Use synonyms
opportunities
Use synonyms
, not only for
Use synonyms
man
Check wording
men
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 but
also
Linking Words
woman
Use synonyms
, and
companies
Use synonyms
 to give
an
Correct article usage
apply
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equal pay for everyone.
Body paragraph 1
The main reason
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue is
there
Correct word choice
that there
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not many
job
Use synonyms
opportunities
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
woman
Check wording
women
show examples
 in STEM
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 most of the
companies
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 still have a
steoryotipe
Correct your spelling
stereotype
 that only
man
Use synonyms
 who can do
this
Linking Words
 type of
job
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, especially
something
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technical
.
Check wording
fields.
show examples
 Because they think that
Use synonyms
woman is
Correct subject-verb agreement
women are
show examples
 not capable
to do
Change preposition
of doing
show examples
this
Linking Words
, not better than
Use synonyms
man
Check wording
men
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
I think the most effective way to deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem is to push the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 and demand them to make more
job
Use synonyms
opportunies
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 for
Use synonyms
woman
Check wording
women
show examples
. By making
this
Linking Words
 regulation,
will
Correct pronoun usage
it will
show examples
 make
Use synonyms
woman
Check wording
women
show examples
 and
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man
Check wording
men
show examples
 have the same rights to
work
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 in these
fields
Use synonyms
, it will encourage
Use synonyms
woman
Check wording
women
show examples
 to be more active and confident to
work
Use synonyms
 in
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
fields
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 3
In addition
Linking Words
,
companies
Use synonyms
 should give
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
equal pay no matter what gender they are, and try to be more objective when they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 the recruitment. I believe that many
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 in these
fields
Use synonyms
 have the same level of skills with
man
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 truly
deserved
Wrong verb form
deserve
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 the same recognition that
man
Use synonyms
 had.
Companies
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 must be more
toughtfull
Correct your spelling
thoughtful
 working
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Conclusion
In conclusion, since there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not many
job
Use synonyms
opportunities
Use synonyms
 for
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woman
Check wording
women
show examples
 in STEM, lead them to choose to
work
Use synonyms
 in
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
path of career
Correct word order
career path
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 issue can be tackled by
push
Wrong verb form
pushing
show examples
 the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 to build more
job
Use synonyms
opportunities
Use synonyms
 and
force
Wrong verb form
forcing
show examples
 the
companies
Use synonyms
 to give
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
equal pay
,
Change preposition
to
show examples
 both for
woman
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why women do not work in these fields, but you should give more than one strong step to help them work there.
task response
Add one or two clear examples. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to believe.
task response
Make each main idea more clear. Some points are good, but they need more detail about how the plan will help women.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some parts connect well, but some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and explain it fully before moving to the next point.
task response
You answer the topic and give two main ways to solve the problem: help from the government and fair pay from companies.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the start and stays clear through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like 'however', 'in addition', and 'in conclusion' to show the order of ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • equal pay
  • fair hiring
  • career growth
  • flexible hours
  • work-life balance
  • paid leave
  • child care support
  • role model
  • mentor
  • build confidence
  • safe workplace
  • gender bias
  • harassment
  • practical training
  • internship
  • return-to-work program
  • job opportunity
  • support system
  • science field
  • technology sector
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