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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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Today, playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
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 has become a popular hobby among many young
children
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss reasons for many
children
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 spending huge amounts of time playing
computer
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games
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 and small amounts of time on
sports
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, and explain
its
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 repercussions. During the COVID-19
pandmeic
Correct your spelling
pandemic
, staying indoors had become the new norm in all households.
Although
Linking Words
 parents discouraged
children
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 from stepping outside their homes to play, they encouraged them to meet their friends through online means,
such
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 as
computer
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games
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.
Children
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 continued to have their virtual playdates until the pandemic
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 ended in 2023. Despite the end of the COVID-19 pandemic,
children
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 continue to engage with their mates through strong online communities they formed during the pandemic. Those who are not a part of
such
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 communities feel isolated from their peers. So, I believe peer pressure has led to
children
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 preferring playing
computer
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games
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 over
sports
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such
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 as
basket ball
Correct your spelling
basketball
 and cricket.
Children
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 who choose to play
computer
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games
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 for long periods of time do not engage in physical
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
. Platforms
such
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 as Steam and Roblox are commonly used by
children
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 to play
computer
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games
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.
However
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, they are not completely kid-friendly
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 adults too use these. These platforms could give
children
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 access to content
that is
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 not suitable for their age.
Such
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 content could
also
Linking Words
 impact their mental
health
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.
Therefore
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, these
children
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 could eventually grow up to have
health
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 complications
such
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 as obesity, diabetes, depression and social anxiety.
On the other hand
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, playing
sports
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 improves physical
health
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 and mental
health
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, apart from enhancing eye-hand coordination and interpersonal skills.
Games
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such
Linking Words
 as ice hockey and football are some great example of
sports
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 that boosts
overall
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health
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. To summarise, many
children
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 tend to spend many hours playing
computer
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games
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, rather than playing outdoor
sports
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because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 of peer pressure, and they have become habituated to the routine.
This
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 has negative
health
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 complications for
such
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 individuals. I believe that
children
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 should start playing
sports
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 to stay healthy.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. You explain why children play games, but your view on positive or negative can be stronger from the start.
task response
Add one more clear reason for less sport, such as lack of safe play space or busy parents.
task response
Use more exact examples to support your ideas. For example, say how many hours children may play or give one clear real-life case.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. This will make your message easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few sentences feel a bit long or jump too fast to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words clearly, like first, also, because, as a result, and in conclusion.
task response
You answer both questions in the task and give a clear opinion that this is a negative change.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You use relevant ideas about the pandemic, online groups, health, and sport benefits.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
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