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Writing Samples
Band 5

The charts below show the percentage of students on an adult education centre taking various courses offered in 1985 and this year

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The pie charts illustrate information about the various
courses
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 on adult education centre presenting by
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of
students
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 in 1985 and
this
Linking Words
year
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, at the beginning of the period, Modern languages accounted for the highest proportion of attending
courses
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 by
students
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 Music appreciation contributed the least. By the end of the period, IT emerged as the dominant subject,
while
Linking Words
 Art recorded the lowest
course
Check wording
enrollment
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. As the chart shows, the percentage of
Cookery
Correct article usage
the Cookery
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 course accounted for 14% in 1985, rising marginally to 19% in
this
Linking Words
year
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.
However
Linking Words
, the rate of
students
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 of Modern languages and Art
courses
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 declined slightly from 24% and 17% to 17% and 15%, respectively. Regarding the proportion of pupils for fitness and dance subjects,it remained stable at 22%,
While
Linking Words
 the rate of
students
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 taking IT
course
Check wording
courses
show examples
 registered 27%, making it the leading subject
in
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apply
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this
Linking Words
year
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.
This
Linking Words
 shift
refelcts
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reflects
 the ongoing diversification of
students
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' goals and desires, with a growing
foucs
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focus
 on cookery and IT of
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courses
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course
show examples
 decisions in the current
year
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the seventh paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the eighth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 71%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words courses, students, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the seventh paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the eighth paragraph.
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