Caring for children is very important for our society. Therefore all mothers and fathers should take a child care training course. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In general, getting the skills to
nuture
Use the right word
nurture
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children properly is crucial.
Thus
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, some people argue that every parent should take a child care training course.
Although
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this
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idea has both positive and negative aspects, I agree with
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this
Correct pronoun usage
it
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for several reasons.  First of all, it is
cleary
Correct your spelling
clearly
true that every adult who has
kids
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has to master
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this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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skills, which is one of the most important
resposibility
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responsibilities
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.
However
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, it is
also
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true that people cannot obtain the knowledge about nurturing in the schools, since students should spend a long time learning about any other subjects
-
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,
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including math, science, and English.
On the other hand
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, a great deal of money
should be
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is
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required to make
this
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idea true.
Also
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, governments should hold the classes
instead
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of private companies, as it is difficult to make
profit
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a profit
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through
this
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seminar.  When it comes to another merit of
this
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, it is likely that those who want to make babies will increase. Nowadays, tons of adults likely avoid
to have
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having
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kids
Use synonyms
since workers are busier than in the past. If they learn the correct and efficient ways to care for
kids
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, their mindsets potentially change.
Borning
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Bearing
a lot of
kids
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leads to
wealth
Replace the word
wealthier
countries in the future.
In contrast
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, if governments require all citizens to take training courses, knowledgable person about
this
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maybe
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may
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feel waste of time, thereby rules everybody accept should be made precisely. 
To sum up
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,
although
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the idea that every parent takes
care
Correct article usage
a care
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training course has some difficulties, I believe the assumption has some beneficial aspects.
Moreover
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, I reckon that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in each body part. You say you agree, but one part talks a lot about the bad side.
task response
Add one or two clear real-life examples to support your ideas. This will make your answer stronger.
task response
Explain your ideas more fully. Some points are too short or not fully clear, like why this course would make more people want children.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences and keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with simple words like first, also, however, for example, and so.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one. A few ideas feel sudden or not fully linked.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion in the introduction and end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
task response
You try to look at both sides before giving your final view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child development
  • Parenting skills
  • Training course
  • Universal benefits
  • Work-life balance
  • Personal experience
  • Instinct
  • Stable family units
  • Child neglect
  • Cultural differences
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